When I Read "The Shack" 3 Years Ago...

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." - Colossians 3:3

"And everyone who thus hopes in Him purifies himself as He is pure." - 1 John 3:3

Hi friends!

I have a story for you! It might sound like a bad one or a scary one, but it's actually one of the greatest stories of God's victory in my own life. The movie adaptation of "The Shack" came out this year, but three years ago today I read the book for the first time and it was a tool God used to bring freedom and redemption into my life. I've had a desire to tell this story for a few months, but I realized last night that God's timing lined up for today to be the day I needed to post this.

I am a victor over an addiction to pornography, by the grace of Jesus Christ. It's high time I tell the story of God's goodness and power in my life because I don't deserve to hide it all inside away from prying eyes; I can't help but shout from the rooftops just how powerful and amazing my Savior Jesus is.

Here's how "The Shack" plays into this story. Let's rewind to January of 2014. I'd been hiding an addiction to pornography for a year and a half at this point and desperately wanted out, however, I also wanted no one to ever know. I challenged myself to go 100 days without reading or looking at explicit content. I was hoping for freedom, but I didn't know if I could ever have it - after all, other Christian homeschooled girls definitely didn't struggle with this kind of sin. No one ever talked about it, so obviously it wasn't present... right?

Fast forward to March 7th, 2014. I'd gone back to the internet a few times during this 100 day "clean" challenge and I felt like I had failed, but I was still fighting hard. A week or two prior, a good friend had lent me a book called "The Shack" and I decided I should read it so I could return it to her. I had no clue what lay in those pages, but as I read through the book in a single afternoon, God used the story of grace more powerful than any sin someone could commit to break these chains of addiction in my own life. 

And I felt free. Free to love Jesus more than myself and my desires. Free to say that I am forgiven and redeemed. and free to choose to walk away from the lie of goodness and escape from the world that pornography tried to offer.

I can tell you from experience - you will never, ever, ever find lasting joy in anything other than Jesus Christ. I tried.

I was free from the bonds of this addiction, and it has been a hard battle to continually say no to temptation - because it's always there. I had to and have to choose to love Jesus more. After this exploration of freedom began, so also a new fight began in my heart: The fight for honesty. This fight would be much harder because it was a battle of my own will. God was teaching me in this time that I was not going to be "found out" because it would not help me learn the lesson that He needed me to learn - I had a choice to obey what God called me to, and I needed to take it.

Through the next year and a half, I still struggled sometimes with going back to read explicit content but the constant feeling that haunted me was that I'd have to tell someone what I'd done; what I'd hidden behind a happy persona for years.

Fast forward again to October of 2015. I went to a worship night at school and God was really convicting me that I needed to open up. That night a girl I didn't even know prayed over my for healing of jaw pain and TMJ issues that I'd been having for over two years. God chose to heal my pain, even though I tried to use it to make a deal with God that I'd open up only if He gave me what I asked for. Yet His love knew no barriers and that night I was able to share with my mom that God had healed my pain and that I'd struggled with lust for several years. I was so close to telling the whole truth, but something in my feared still that I was too dirty, too unworthy to be known and loved.

The breaking point came a month later as I sat frozen to the floor in a friend's basement where two of the people closest to my heart tried to get me to even speak. I couldn't feel anything but how cold it was and that this fear would eat me alive. It was not easy to say out loud the thing I thought was the worst of my humanity. But finally I said the words, "I'm a recovering porn addict" and my friends rejoiced at my confession. The healing had begun.

Over the last year as I grew further and further from the shame of my past and the temptation to let it own me yet again, I've opened up to a few people close to me and told them at least parts of this story. Even in the last several months, I've been attempting to bring it up in less "super-spiritual" or intense conversation because I know the Lord has called me to make known that He's freed me. And putting this now in writing is one of the keys to that calling.

God laid in on my heart about three months ago to write this story out as a testimony to what He's done in my life. Since confessing with my mouth the sin I've committed, I've become able to see that I also can confess with my mouth the grace and love the Father has lavished on me, that I should be adopted as a child of God. I'm loved no matter what I've done and no matter what I will do.

Today it's been three years since I first read "The Shack" and though I haven't seen the movie yet, I plan to and I'm sure it will be an emotional moment for me to remember the work God began in my heart as I read that story for the first time. Whatever you take away from reading this, I hope you see clearly that these words do not convey defeat. My story is not one to be hidden away and not one to be discussed with hushed words any longer. It is a story that there is a God with a love so deep, so far-reaching, that he could reach even me, a prodigal who ran as far as she could and a broken girl who thought she would never be lovable again.

I know and believe I am loved, I am forgiven, and I am free. My story is that Jesus loves me.

Thank you all for reading! You all have a special place in my heart, even if I don't know you very well or haven't seen you in a long time. If you need prayer or a listening ear, let me know, I'd love to be there for you!
-M.

Day 29: "Remember"

Deuteronomy 7:17-18 (ESV) "If you say in your heart, ‘These nations are greater than I. How can I dispossess them?’ you shall not be afraid of them but you shall remember what the Lord your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt."

Day 11: "What Can Man Do to Me?"

Psalm 118:6

This reminder was so good for me last night, that God is with me and I have no reason to fear any human. Such a breath of fresh air after a stressful day of worrying about how other people see me!

-L.

On Unfinished Stories, Death, and Chocolate Milk

                I got my first tattoo several weeks ago. A few days before I turned twenty. It says “unfinished” with three lines between the prefix and the word. Like this: “un///finished.” It’s a symbol for me of a few things: 1. My story is unfinished. I have more life left to live as long as my spirit breathes inside this body and I want to remember that if I’m still breathing, I still have a purpose. 2. God finished it all on the cross (tetelestai, gk. – “it is finished”). Hence the three lines for the three nails Jesus took. 3. Everyone else in this world is loved by God, and He finished it on the cross for them too, and while they still breathe, their story is unfinished too.

My tattoo was sort of a way of saying goodbye to my teenage years and whatever, but it really is important to me. I really do want that message to be permanent and visible to me for the rest of my life. I put it on the inside of my wrist so that I see it every single day. There is no way I can miss it without closing my eyes the whole freaking day or tying my hand up in a scarf or something. It’s visible and it’s there. I want to make every day count like it’s the last day of my life.

Over three months ago now, a Christian homeschool mom in my community shot and killed her 17 year old son, her 12 year old daughter, and then herself. I knew the kids and the mom. I had been in plays with the kids. The son was one of my brother’s best friends. I still can’t find words to explain the shock of knowing that all of it happened, because that's not something you ever want to read in just two or three sentences, let alone cope with. There's no way to romanticize a murder-suicide of a dear friend. I totally believe that mental illnesses are medical problems that need more awareness and treatment. No questions asked. I also think there are deep emotional and spiritual elements to them too in many ways that need awareness and care. This mom; she ended up deciding she wanted her story finished. She didn’t want to keep reading and see how it goes.

It’s even more heartbreaking because in books, you’d usually want to keep reading at the most scary part or the most dangerous part of the story. You want to find out where the hero wins the battle and where they overcome what is dragging them down. We like reading those stories. They are some of the most powerful and inspiring to us. 

We live day to day, though, and if we see no change, we project that onto our own future. That nothing is going to get better. This is how it is. I want to read my next page of my story right about now. It’s been a rollercoaster for a while. I’ve gone through long spiritual droughts. I’ve walked through emotional pain and emotional numbness. I have lived in isolation and wondering if I am going to see the next day. It didn’t work itself out in the short few sentences I just wrote, like you might think in a story. It’s been years of a process. I’m only 20. 

There is so much left of the story left to write. And I have chocolate milk in my fridge right now, so I want to pour myself a glass and enjoy it! And keep reading the story God’s writing in my life. I have so many things I’ve already learned and still have yet to learn. I’m all too aware of my defects and shortcomings and character flaws, but those are just some of the things that make me, well, me.

Oh, but don’t get it mixed up at this part. I’m not the main character. I’d like to think I am, but truly the main character is the author of this story, and that’s Jesus Christ. I believe that He is real and He works in my life. If you don’t, that’s okay, I’m not offended! I hope you’re not offended that I believe that, and act accordingly with that belief.

See, if God’s the main character, His story is still playing out too. And it’s so cool that His story includes us in, like, actually important ways. His story is unfinished, but the outcome will be the same because of the cross. He defeated sin and death and Satan and evil in general with two pieces of wood, three nails, a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and a sinless life. Oh, and a love that spans generations, that overlooks rejection, that ignores blame and slander, that breathes life into anything that even comes close to touching it, and that totally gives us all a second chance to live our lives – for His glory and our blessing.

I almost got a second tattoo when I went in to get my first one – a vine of flowers. They symbolize new life, and milestones I’ve gotten to. Maybe someday I’ll actually go and get it done, but I got really lightheaded twice during my first one and almost passed out. Character flaw, maybe? I don’t really care.

Read along if you’d like. The stories I post here are never very linear – they could include ramblings from really any point of inspiration in my life that I could care to share about. Sometimes they will be light and sometimes heavy, like life. Sometimes you’ll hear a poem in the making in the way I write, and other times I’ll be straight and to the point. Here’s the point I’m gonna make now. Don’t get this twisted: it’s not my story. It’s His. And I’m gonna write what He tells me to and I’ll write it for His glory, not mine.

What's New?

Hey readers!!!

I wish I blogged more often.... why does life have to be so crazy sometimes??

Anyway, I wanted to give you guys a little update on my simplex life lately! 

• When I wrote that open letter to my past present, and future a few weeks ago, I was literally in the car on the way to a new city for a month! The family I work for decided to move up north and I didn't have any major summer plans so I said, "I'll come with you!" The blog post was a reaction and preparation for the coming month of new challenges and adventures
• I've spent the last three weeks making meals, playing games, taking photos, singing the same songs over and over again, drawing pictures, reading, rereading, and REreading "There's a Wocket in my Pocket!!"
• I've gotten to do video calls to home several times :D It's so cute to watch two two-year-olds video chat with each other on the phone!
• I've also gotten to go home several times! The drive from my home to this other city is around two hours but I can fly standby on a 30 minute flight to go back and see my family. 
• I went back for our baby foster girl's 1st birthday!! She is adorable, people. She can walk and clap and dance and babble and is just SO CUTE, GUYS.
• I also flew back for the 4th of July weekend. I watched fireworks with my family on Saturday. And on Sunday I went to see "Inside Out" with a few friends, then went to another friend's birthday party! It was such a fun weekend and I was reminded about how important it is for me to stay connected to my friends.
• The last flight back I've made (so far) was to spend Friday and Saturday at our homeschool convention volunteering! I wrote about last year's convention making my feet sore and it was definitely the same this year! I had a pretty fantastic time, although I came back up to work exhausted on Monday.
• I hate grocery shopping for myself. I can't handle that kind of responsibility! I go in thinking, "Okay, some fruits and veggies and healthy snacks!" and I leave with three different kinds of cookies. Seriously?
• I've been gearing up for school in ONE MONTH from now and I'm freaking out with excitement!!!!!!!!! My roommates and I are collaborating on packing lists and I'm checking out welcome week schedules, clubs and sports I might join in, and beginning to look for textbooks and supplies I'm gonna need. I CAN'T WAIT, GUYS.
• Related to school, I'm thinking of starting a separate blog for sharing my school adventures! If you guys want to read it, let me know!!!!!
• Why do I say guys so much???
• I dyed my hair purple again!!!!!! Well, just the bangs. :D

 



Of all of the photos I've taken this whole month, this one's probably gotta be my favorite (heart melts)

That's all I can think of right now!! I'm spending time with family next week, working the next two weeks, then coming home for a week to prepare (and pack!) for college!!!! It's going to be a crazy busy month, but may God be glorified in it all.
See you next time!
-M.

Who I am

Hello dearest readers!

M. here. It really has been over a month since I last shared with you guys... and I have officially run out of excuses. Sorry. :/

I've been in my head too much lately, and I've been aware of it. So I started trying something new where I write out stuff that's going on, in my head and in the world.

"I need to get out of my head."

"It's too quick, too random, too MUCH in general. I just can't think a thought because all of the sub-thoughts that follow drown it out."

I made a list of the main thoughts and sub-thoughts (and random connections) that had been floating around that day and drew arrows that connected different points. Off to the side, I wrote, "But in the end, your grace covers it all?"

I ended that last sentence with a question mark, because sometimes I don't feel worthy of God's grace. Okay, I almost ALWAYS feel unworthy of God's grace. My levels of self-confidence and self-worth are fairly connected, so when I feel good, I get prideful (bad) but when I am humble, I'm also usually feeling worthless (also bad!). So I made three more lists...

List 1. I am:

• Busy
• Stressed
• Tired
• Sore
• Distracted
• Selfish
• Prideful
• Uncaring
• Alone

Without Christ

So this list was a description of how my day-to-day living feels when I don't let Christ in.

List 2. I am NOT:

• Worthless
• Hopeless
• Too far gone
• Identified by my past
• Broken beyond repair
• Defeated
• Ugly
• Stupid
• Who I make myself
• Just a story
• A failure
• A waste of God's time
• What others think of me
• My makeup, clothes, or hairstyle

Because Christ says these are lies.

This list was just a needed reminder of the countless things the devil is trying to get me to believe that simply aren't true.

And finally... List 3. CHRIST calls me:

• Redeemed
• Treasured
• Faithful
• Loving
• Caring (This and the last two are struggles for me; Christ's GRACE alone makes me able)
• To die for!
• A masterpiece
• Beautiful
• "The resurrection with skin" (We have the power that made Christ rise from the dead inside of us!!)
• Part of the best Story
• Victorious
• A child of His
• A co-heir with Christ
• Identified by His grace
• Selfless (along with faith, love, and caring)
• At peace (stress doesn't need to control me)
• Renewed
• His delight

And I am worth it ALL to Him!

So, yeah. Basically Christ's claims are more important to me than the craziness going on in my brain. I think I might do this writing thing more often... :D What would you add to these lists?

I'll close with a quote of L.'s from a recent Bible study: "It must be insane to be God!" :D
See you next time! (Hopefully it won't be another month... I'll try, friends! I'll try.)
-M.

On College and "Those Days"

Hello, dear readers! Happy Spring! :D

M. here. I feel like I'm returning to an old home. It hasn't really been that long since I last blogged (yeah, it has) but it's FELT like forever!! My life has just been packed with school, music, work, organizing, planning, and dreaming of the future. Every time I returned to this page, I felt like I had nothing to write about... So sad. But my mind has been far from empty; most of my thoughts are of school, or more importantly, getting ready for COLLEGE!!!!

Guys, I'm going to college in 5 1/2 months. 159 days. (Yes, I'm counting now.) Which is 3816 hours.... Oh, forget it!!

I'm going to college. (shrieks in excitement)

I've got my schedule, my room assignment, my packing list, my summer job, and my AWESOME friends and family helping me along the way with it all. My major will be a dream experience for me; by studying Worship Arts I get to take music classes, voice lessons, be in choirs, and ALSO get to take theology courses!!! I honestly don't know which ones I'm more excited for.

Why am I going to college?? I thought I was like, 12 three weeks ago. Who let me grow up???

I am thinking about starting a series or collection of posts for the blog on my college experience, including packing and planning, organizing and prettifying my dorm, what I learn in classes, studying and learning tips, and all the simplex things that happen throughout the journey! (If I have time, that is....) I'll probably begin posting things of that sort once I finish my online classes in May. :D

Okay, enough about schoolish things. Here is some simplex encouragement for you today!!! (In hindsight, it's actually really deep... but that's okay!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You know those days when you want to kick a chair over? Or maybe those days when you want to disappear into your room and melt away into your bed? Or maybe those days when you really, really need a hug and no one's around?? Or even those days when you can't think straight because of the constant barrage of things to do and places to be and work to finish but you have no time???

You know "those days?" If someone came up and asked you how you were, would you say, "It's been one of those days!"

Yeah, I have those days too. (Duh.) Everyone has those days! (Again, duh.) The worst part of days like that, for me, are when I don't learn anything from them. I know that God is supposed to be using every moment to teach me something about Him, or myself; but a lot of the time it seems like those days are just there. I try to ask God what He's teaching me, but I hear no answer. Then without skipping a beat I get mad at God and turn to something, anything besides Him for comfort. I don't really even bother to wait any longer than a minute for a calming peace, a solution to the problem, or a teaching moment.

My problem with "those days" isn't really how bad the day actually is. It's that God isn't helping fix it when I want Him to.

It's taken me a really long time to figure out this sentence I'm going to share with you: God doesn't run on your timing; He is not your servant but your King. That is a very simple sentence that I'm sure most you would agree with. But during one of those days, do you really live like it's true?

Here's an example. (It's kind of a long one.) Last fall, I was set to attend a gap year program in another state. I had attended youth camps put on by this association and had always loved them; but an actual nine month study program sounded beyond epic to me. Because I hadn't originally intended to do any school during my gap year, I was torn between staying home or trying to go there.

I trusted God with the decision and sent in my application. I actually put my dreams in His hands and was confident He'd help me make the right decision. I was accepted and was ecstatic!! I began dreaming of the opportunities, obviously. But it was short-lived excitement. I couldn't afford the cost of the program and had to withdraw a month before it began. I was crushed. All the trust I'd put in Jesus, and it felt like He'd dumped me in the garbage. 

For the last year, this experience has weighed on me because I could not understand why God put me through that. I've had some great moments this year that showed me that I was meant to stay home (See: It's the Little Things, Hugs from Jesus) and I understood that, but why didn't He just steer me away from the opportunity or tell me not to apply, so I wouldn't get my dreams shattered? My level of passion in the things I loved went waaay down last fall, even unconsciously, because God had taken something away from me.

That's always the magic question, isn't it: why?? Here's the magic answer: God doesn't run on your timing; He is not your servant but your King. (Look familiar?) Technically, we don't have the right to ask God why He does things His way. Sure, He lets us ask away, but He's never obliged to answer.

Here's the most important part, though, in this equation: If God wants us to know what's going on, He will tell us!! He loves us enough to want to do that for us. He doesn't have to tell us anything really (See: the book of Job!!) but He chooses to give us answers sometimes for the sake of showing us how He loves us!!

In the example I gave, I only recently have come to an understanding of why I went through that time of confusion last summer. God wanted to give me something beyond me and out of my control. It forced me to trust Him with it, which I did. But He also wanted me to accept the outcome I didn't expect (having the door opened and then quickly shut again) and continue to trust Him, which I did not do. I tried to take back the control of my own life once I thought that God couldn't handle it. Obviously He could have and did, but I was running the wrong direction to see it!

Yeah, that's basically what happened last summer!! ;)

Through the Christmas season and these first two months of this year, God has been revealing why I went through that tough time: He was teaching me to accept His changes of direction because they're way better! I probably wouldn't be going to the college I am this fall, if I had gone to that program last year. I might have not pursued a degree in Worship Arts, I might not have seen our little brother's adoption (!!) or met the AWESOME kids I work with each week. And I definitely wouldn't have learned the lesson of changing direction when I really needed it.

It only took me a few months for this resolution, but sometimes it may take years to get it. You may never get it. (Again, see: the book of Job.) God doesn't run on your timing!! I've learned the hard way that going God's way will hurt your heart less in the long run, and I hope you never have to learn it the hard way. Do you have any thoughts on this topic? Comment away!

Remember this: God hears. He knows. His timing is perfect.

As always, thanks for reading!
M.

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

-Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)

Thoughtful

Hello friends! M. here! What? We haven't talked since last year?

Oh. Right. About that....

I wish I had a valid excuse but life is just busy sometimes. I've been involved with work, school (I'm taking intro to psychology right now, and it's simultaneously fascinating and incredibly boring), thinking a lot (about psychology, Jesus stuff, future decisions, etc.), and trying to begin to prep for heading to college in the fall.

I've been thinking a lot lately.

I kind of wanted to post on what I've been thinking about. So much has been on my mind, the range of situations and contexts and ideas and theories and hopes and worries couldn't all be described in just a simple blog post. However, this will hopefully be a snapshot of them.

I've been thinking a lot about personality theories and type, because it's been in my assignments for school. Through the study and self-assesment I have been struggling with a sort of identity crisis because I really wanted to know which type I fit best with but I also didn't want to get it wrong. I want to know why I think and act the way I do, where I fit in the world, and the way I can best honor God.

I've been thinking a lot about plans for school. I've been making lists of lists that I need to make of the things I need to do before school! (Crazy much? Yeah.) I can't believe how excited I am to go to college in the fall. Honestly, this opportunity, the degree program, the financial situation, and every fine detail feels like the perfect fit and more God-orchestrated than what I could have imagined.

I've been thinking a lot about Grace. It's the theme this semester at our choir and getting to learn it as we begin the year has been more impactful than I can put into words. There is a sort of natural, raw, untainted beauty about how the person who was epitome of perfect chose to be scarred for my sake, and continually pours out mercy to me each morning.

I've been thinking a lot about thinking. I have so many questions. How can a thought honor or dishonor God? Can I control my thoughts? Can I change the way I process and deal with information? Is it healthy to think so much? Why is the world inside my head so loud?? 

I don't know the answers to questions like these. And if you know me, you know I hate saying I don't know the answer to a question.

Everything in my life seems kind of random right now. My work schedule isn't very routine, my schoolwork changes after only short periods of time, and my thoughts are flying in every direction. "Why does life have to be so crazy?" I ask over and over again.

Then I remember there is only one thing. In the end, this chaos will fade and the questions will no longer matter, and I will see Jesus. And He is King, and nothing else matters.

Yeah, some peace and some rest would be great right now, but He is King and is doing what's best.
Yeah, the answers would be great right now, but He is King and doesn't have to answer to me.
Yeah, having more routine and less stress would be fantastic, but He is King and there is Grace.

"Be still and know I am God." 

(Psalm 46:10)

Inner Dialogue and (Sort of) Christmas-ish Thoughts

Here's the inner dialogue that's been going on in my head the past month or so:

"M, you need to post something. It's the holiday season and you have so many topics to choose from."

"M, you should post something. You've got free time today and it's been a while."

"M, you have to post something today or your readers will think you've died."

And then there's the other side of my brain:

"No.
(That side of me makes such a good argument.)

Anyway, I'm back (sort of) to talk a little about Christmas. Because, you know, it's like (looks at calendar) A WEEK AWAY?!?! Oops. I probably should start my Christmas shopping, don't ya think? (sheepish grin)

* * * * * * * * * * * *

In church on Sunday, we talked about Christmas, not just the first Christmas, but the second one! You see, for every time the first Christmas is mentioned in the New Testament, the second Christmas (literally, Christ-coming) is mentioned eight. That's a pretty significant ratio. I love thinking about what Christ's coming will be like, and there's a pretty detailed description in 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18:

"For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encouragie one another with these words."

Unfortunately, I want to know EXACTLY what's gonna happen. Will we all disappear randomly? Will we have to wait to see Jesus? Are the people we know who've died already in heaven, or are they waiting somewhere? WHY DON'T WE GET MORE INFORMATION??? (Ahem. Sorry 'bout that.)

Unfortunately, this complaint I have is actually a pretty consistent problem of mine. I always want to know exactly what's gonna happen in life. What am I getting for Christmas? Where am I going to school next year? What career am I going to have? You know, simple stuff like that.  It shouldn't be that hard for God to just let me in on all of His plans for my life, right? When it actually comes down to it, this problem is me not only wanting to know what God's plans are, but wanting to be in control of these plans that God has. I don't want someone else to run my life!

As I've said before, this is a problem of mine... so I need to change, obviously. God knows what's best for me, whether I like it or not, and in the end, it kind of comes down to trusting that God is not a mean Father but a loving one. It's the same thing as a parent keeping their child away from the hot stove, even though the kid might scream and beg to touch it. The parent knows what's best for their son or daughter, so they will keep them from harmful things like that, and the child will develop a respect for their parents by their trustworthiness.

So what does all of this have to do with Christmas? Absolutely nothing. (Just kidding!) :D

I think what it has to do with Christmas is that Jesus came to earth so that we would know the Father. He came so that we would know the Father's love. And He demonstrated ultimate trust in God's will by being willing to do so much through His life, so that we could know that it pays to trust in the Father too. Jesus was a living picture of trust through His whole story:

He trusted God to give Him the right earthly parents. He trusted God to make Him into a baby and be dependent on people for His care. He trusted God through His childhood, not being able to show His deity to the world yet. He trusted God's timing even when His mother said He should act (John 2:4). He trusted God as He performed miracles, healed many sick, and gained a following during His three years of ministry. He trusted God when He knew He was going to die. He trusted in darkness and in fear. He didn't waver as He was beaten and mocked and crucified.

Which do you think was harder for Jesus: Leaving heaven for Christmas or fulfilling what He actually came to do?

That's what my problem has to do with Christmas. It didn't matter which was harder for Jesus because He trusted God enough and was willing to do BOTH of them! That's the Savior we celebrate, one who is trustworthy AND willing to trust. He's worthy of my worship and my trust in every situation, from an awkward Christmas party to a serious sickness in the family.

So, do you trust Him?

That's what I've been thinking about this season, I guess. Take it or leave it. :) I pray you all have a Merry Christmas, and I'll hopefully be back to post something before the New Year!!
-M

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord."(Proverbs 21:30, NIV)

Another point of view

Hey All!
 L. here. This is a really long one again. After reading M.'s post about the last 2 weeks of May I want to share about  them from my point of view, as well. I'll be starting on Wednesday the 21st:

My oldest brother came home for a one week visit, arriving at the airport around 10am. I also went to my last Spanish class of the school year.

Thursday May 22nd
 I went to see Disney's Million Dollar Arm with my family  in the morning And had a great afternoon with M. and E. Then my brother picked me up from M.'s house on  the way to dinner with some other friends.

Friday May 23rd
 My sister graduated with M. so I went to the same ceremony and party that night and really appreciated getting to spend time talking and dancing with the people there.

Saturday May 24th
 This day was crazy! I got to sleep in until about 10am before going to one graduation party and helping with preparations for and a party shared by M. and my sister. During the party I chatted with friends, ate snacks, and  helped take photo booth pictures and gather and guide people for boat rides. Over all it was an enjoyable but hectic party. When it was over I went with M. and a few of her siblings to another grad party for a mutual friend of ours while my brother's collage graduation open house started back at the club house. It was a nice chance to relax for a bit and enjoy some smore's.
I got back in time to help with some clean up from my brother's party. Thanks to everyone who helped by the way! It would have taken forever with out you.
Anyway that's enough about Saturday.

Sunday May 25th
This was my official rest day between Graduation and Camp though it was still pretty busy. We missed Church:( cause we were all so tired after the graduation parties but we went to two more that afternoon then had a few friends over for dinner. That may sound crazy but I actually thought it was rather relaxing.

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Camp week

This was a 5 day 10:00-7:30 Christian Music and Dance Camp that was truly different from any other. Our director put together the theme "Masquerade" for our concert and devotionals. You'll learn more about it as you read.

 Monday, May 26th

We excitedly greeted old friends, met new ones, heard from our director and did an ice breaker. Then we stretched and learned some basic ballet and Jazz steps. We learned some of our choreography and music for the concert and had a devotional in the evening where we learned about different kinds of masks and I realized what kind I wear the most. 

Tuesday, May 27th
I remember feeling stressed and empty. I wanted God to work in a big way at camp and I was afraid He wasn't going to.  I love to dance and its been a really cool form of worship for me but on Tuesday morning when we were told to try dancing during our worship time I didn't want to. For once I didn't feel an urge to dance like I normally did and for another our director had said to keep our eyes closed so that no one would be embarrassed so I was afraid of hitting or kicking someone if I moved too much. After an improve dance lesson later on though some of us danced freely around to our songs for the concert while our instructors prepared for our next session. For one moment as I spun in circles to "Oceans" by Hillsong United I thought I felt God for the first time in a while; just for a moment; then I let it go.

Wednesday, May 28th
Because most of you were probably there or have read M.'s other posts about it I'm going to focus on my perspective of the Cross time. When Eden told us to pray about and then give to God whatever we needed to I didn't know what that would be for me. As I started praying I thought I had an idea but then it became clear. It was the root of my masks that I needed to give up. My desire to be the one everyone could depend on; the one who was friendly and likable and always knew what to do. I was actually excited to give this up. I thought I was ready to let God take the lead and just be His. I knew He could use that surrender in big ways and I finally thought I knew how to let go. 
  So I went up to one of the alter, "gave it to Him" and went back to my seat. I must admit I felt awkward waiting there. Some girls like me had been ready quickly and gone up to the alters, others were talking through things with each other or our instructors, and a lot of girls were crying.  One of them was M. sitting two seats away from me. I could see how much it hurt her to think of giving up her mask as she held her beautiful prop mask in her hand and I could almost see desperation in her eyes. I wanted to do something but I was afraid she wouldn't want my help. I wanted to show I cared but thought giving her some space might be the best way to do that. Our Music director went up again and told the girls who had already been to the alters to pray with each other that this wouldn't just be a "spiritual high"  but that we would continue to leave the things we had given up in God's hands. I prayed with a good friend of mine who sat farther down the row and had also noticed M.'s tears so we prayed for each other and M. then went back to our seats again.

 Thursday, May 29th
 Was an exhausting tec day where we also learned one more song! You can read more about it in M.'s posts.

Friday, May 30th- Concert Day :D
Not what I expected. We Practiced, watched Skit Guys videos, messed up our hair and put on our ripped  jeans and black T-shirts. If you want an idea of what our hair looked like, the 8ish year old boys in the other Choir said we looked like we had just gotten out of prison or been through a fire.
After our pre-show meeting we went out to the lobby to greet people and open doors. I think everyone was a bit taken aback by our hair and jeans but It was nice not having to worry if they were pretty enough because they weren't supposed to be.
As we waited backstage I danced my nerves out and tried to comfort other nervous girls that even if we messed up it would be okay and God could use even our mistakes for His glory. We got to see that first hand.
I was the one who couldn't find my mask when it was time to go on stage but my dance partner for the first song grabbed an extra for me and we made it to our places just a little late. I tried to use the mishaps and even my feeling about them to our advantage and I knew that God had let them happen and was going to use them for his glory. But then our director stopped us in the middle of the first act. She confessed that we'd had more then a few technical problems and she wanted to check on us and give us a quick breather. I was a little annoyed but we went on and my singing became more and more truly from my heart. The last song in the first act was Power of the Cross by Natalie Grant and as we went through the song girls hung there masks on the cross and went back stage. Because I had the ending solo I was the last to leave the stage so I sang these customized lyrics out to myself as I prepared to get the ugly mask off my face.

That's he Power of the Cross; see the Fear fall

That's the Power of the Cross; see the Shame fall

That's the Power of the Cross; see the Hate  fall

That's the Power of the Cross; see the Greed fall

Then I took the mask off revealing the tears that were streaming down my face and sang to the audience with a sort of peaceful joy.

See the grace

 your Masks fall

I half walked, half bolted down the center aisle and around to back stage where I broke down and hugged a friend as i shock with tears. A few other girls gathered around us for a sort of group hug and M. prayed for us. I felt a mixture of shattering disappointment and overwhelming relief. I was done trying to do my best and trying to put my mask back on now would just look silly. Everyone backstage and in the audience knew I was a mess. During the second act I was real and free to worship God for what He had done and was doing that night. It was amazing how well the story in our performance fit so well with what God was really doing in my heart. At one point before I went on in a small group for one of the songs one of the girls said "we've got this" in an effort to encourage us.  "He got this" I said pointing up. If there was one thing this concert thought me it was that. We didn't have it but God did. I got to share some of this in a testimony time at the end of the concert so I hope God uses it in the lives of those who heard it there as well as those who read this post.
Thanks for reading!

-L.