On College and "Those Days"

Hello, dear readers! Happy Spring! :D

M. here. I feel like I'm returning to an old home. It hasn't really been that long since I last blogged (yeah, it has) but it's FELT like forever!! My life has just been packed with school, music, work, organizing, planning, and dreaming of the future. Every time I returned to this page, I felt like I had nothing to write about... So sad. But my mind has been far from empty; most of my thoughts are of school, or more importantly, getting ready for COLLEGE!!!!

Guys, I'm going to college in 5 1/2 months. 159 days. (Yes, I'm counting now.) Which is 3816 hours.... Oh, forget it!!

I'm going to college. (shrieks in excitement)

I've got my schedule, my room assignment, my packing list, my summer job, and my AWESOME friends and family helping me along the way with it all. My major will be a dream experience for me; by studying Worship Arts I get to take music classes, voice lessons, be in choirs, and ALSO get to take theology courses!!! I honestly don't know which ones I'm more excited for.

Why am I going to college?? I thought I was like, 12 three weeks ago. Who let me grow up???

I am thinking about starting a series or collection of posts for the blog on my college experience, including packing and planning, organizing and prettifying my dorm, what I learn in classes, studying and learning tips, and all the simplex things that happen throughout the journey! (If I have time, that is....) I'll probably begin posting things of that sort once I finish my online classes in May. :D

Okay, enough about schoolish things. Here is some simplex encouragement for you today!!! (In hindsight, it's actually really deep... but that's okay!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You know those days when you want to kick a chair over? Or maybe those days when you want to disappear into your room and melt away into your bed? Or maybe those days when you really, really need a hug and no one's around?? Or even those days when you can't think straight because of the constant barrage of things to do and places to be and work to finish but you have no time???

You know "those days?" If someone came up and asked you how you were, would you say, "It's been one of those days!"

Yeah, I have those days too. (Duh.) Everyone has those days! (Again, duh.) The worst part of days like that, for me, are when I don't learn anything from them. I know that God is supposed to be using every moment to teach me something about Him, or myself; but a lot of the time it seems like those days are just there. I try to ask God what He's teaching me, but I hear no answer. Then without skipping a beat I get mad at God and turn to something, anything besides Him for comfort. I don't really even bother to wait any longer than a minute for a calming peace, a solution to the problem, or a teaching moment.

My problem with "those days" isn't really how bad the day actually is. It's that God isn't helping fix it when I want Him to.

It's taken me a really long time to figure out this sentence I'm going to share with you: God doesn't run on your timing; He is not your servant but your King. That is a very simple sentence that I'm sure most you would agree with. But during one of those days, do you really live like it's true?

Here's an example. (It's kind of a long one.) Last fall, I was set to attend a gap year program in another state. I had attended youth camps put on by this association and had always loved them; but an actual nine month study program sounded beyond epic to me. Because I hadn't originally intended to do any school during my gap year, I was torn between staying home or trying to go there.

I trusted God with the decision and sent in my application. I actually put my dreams in His hands and was confident He'd help me make the right decision. I was accepted and was ecstatic!! I began dreaming of the opportunities, obviously. But it was short-lived excitement. I couldn't afford the cost of the program and had to withdraw a month before it began. I was crushed. All the trust I'd put in Jesus, and it felt like He'd dumped me in the garbage. 

For the last year, this experience has weighed on me because I could not understand why God put me through that. I've had some great moments this year that showed me that I was meant to stay home (See: It's the Little Things, Hugs from Jesus) and I understood that, but why didn't He just steer me away from the opportunity or tell me not to apply, so I wouldn't get my dreams shattered? My level of passion in the things I loved went waaay down last fall, even unconsciously, because God had taken something away from me.

That's always the magic question, isn't it: why?? Here's the magic answer: God doesn't run on your timing; He is not your servant but your King. (Look familiar?) Technically, we don't have the right to ask God why He does things His way. Sure, He lets us ask away, but He's never obliged to answer.

Here's the most important part, though, in this equation: If God wants us to know what's going on, He will tell us!! He loves us enough to want to do that for us. He doesn't have to tell us anything really (See: the book of Job!!) but He chooses to give us answers sometimes for the sake of showing us how He loves us!!

In the example I gave, I only recently have come to an understanding of why I went through that time of confusion last summer. God wanted to give me something beyond me and out of my control. It forced me to trust Him with it, which I did. But He also wanted me to accept the outcome I didn't expect (having the door opened and then quickly shut again) and continue to trust Him, which I did not do. I tried to take back the control of my own life once I thought that God couldn't handle it. Obviously He could have and did, but I was running the wrong direction to see it!

Yeah, that's basically what happened last summer!! ;)

Through the Christmas season and these first two months of this year, God has been revealing why I went through that tough time: He was teaching me to accept His changes of direction because they're way better! I probably wouldn't be going to the college I am this fall, if I had gone to that program last year. I might have not pursued a degree in Worship Arts, I might not have seen our little brother's adoption (!!) or met the AWESOME kids I work with each week. And I definitely wouldn't have learned the lesson of changing direction when I really needed it.

It only took me a few months for this resolution, but sometimes it may take years to get it. You may never get it. (Again, see: the book of Job.) God doesn't run on your timing!! I've learned the hard way that going God's way will hurt your heart less in the long run, and I hope you never have to learn it the hard way. Do you have any thoughts on this topic? Comment away!

Remember this: God hears. He knows. His timing is perfect.

As always, thanks for reading!
M.

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

-Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)

Thoughtful

Hello friends! M. here! What? We haven't talked since last year?

Oh. Right. About that....

I wish I had a valid excuse but life is just busy sometimes. I've been involved with work, school (I'm taking intro to psychology right now, and it's simultaneously fascinating and incredibly boring), thinking a lot (about psychology, Jesus stuff, future decisions, etc.), and trying to begin to prep for heading to college in the fall.

I've been thinking a lot lately.

I kind of wanted to post on what I've been thinking about. So much has been on my mind, the range of situations and contexts and ideas and theories and hopes and worries couldn't all be described in just a simple blog post. However, this will hopefully be a snapshot of them.

I've been thinking a lot about personality theories and type, because it's been in my assignments for school. Through the study and self-assesment I have been struggling with a sort of identity crisis because I really wanted to know which type I fit best with but I also didn't want to get it wrong. I want to know why I think and act the way I do, where I fit in the world, and the way I can best honor God.

I've been thinking a lot about plans for school. I've been making lists of lists that I need to make of the things I need to do before school! (Crazy much? Yeah.) I can't believe how excited I am to go to college in the fall. Honestly, this opportunity, the degree program, the financial situation, and every fine detail feels like the perfect fit and more God-orchestrated than what I could have imagined.

I've been thinking a lot about Grace. It's the theme this semester at our choir and getting to learn it as we begin the year has been more impactful than I can put into words. There is a sort of natural, raw, untainted beauty about how the person who was epitome of perfect chose to be scarred for my sake, and continually pours out mercy to me each morning.

I've been thinking a lot about thinking. I have so many questions. How can a thought honor or dishonor God? Can I control my thoughts? Can I change the way I process and deal with information? Is it healthy to think so much? Why is the world inside my head so loud?? 

I don't know the answers to questions like these. And if you know me, you know I hate saying I don't know the answer to a question.

Everything in my life seems kind of random right now. My work schedule isn't very routine, my schoolwork changes after only short periods of time, and my thoughts are flying in every direction. "Why does life have to be so crazy?" I ask over and over again.

Then I remember there is only one thing. In the end, this chaos will fade and the questions will no longer matter, and I will see Jesus. And He is King, and nothing else matters.

Yeah, some peace and some rest would be great right now, but He is King and is doing what's best.
Yeah, the answers would be great right now, but He is King and doesn't have to answer to me.
Yeah, having more routine and less stress would be fantastic, but He is King and there is Grace.

"Be still and know I am God." 

(Psalm 46:10)

The Woods

Hey people!!! 

   Here's a story that i had to write for a school assignment. It was hard but fun to write, however, its a bit deppressing, so tell me what you think about it!!

             *      *      *      *      *    

   Jason was lost in a forest, that much he knew. 

   He had heard many stories about this forest, of how those who went in were never seen again. No one knew what happened to them, or why they left. They never found bodies, or even a clothing item. Jason had been told many different theories, some said they went to the big cities to become famous, others said it was wild animals, or aliens, but one said it was fairies. 

  'Fairies..ha!' Jason had laughed at that, 'what! Do you think tinker bell came to kidnap the children and take them to Neverland?!' 

  He couldn't think of anything else more ridiculous. However, the old woman who had suggested it, looked very sane, and had continued to insist that it was true, that she had seen it happen with her own eyes. She said, no one could go into that forest willingly and ever return home again. 

   'What about those who went unwillingly?' He had wondered. 

   He had decided to prove her wrong, and soon set out. After walking a while he quickly lost track of time. Before he knew it, the sun had begun to set, his house was no longer visible, and the trail he was following was no where to be seen. It was pitch black, for the moon didn't show between the trees.

  All he was going to do, was stay in the forest for two hours, and then go back. unfortunately, it had been four hours since he had seen any signs of civilization.

  He was completely lost and nothing looked even remotely familiar. The fear had long ago set in. He shivered at the though of having to spend the night there and he began to run in the general direction that he thought he had come from. The trees seemed to reach for him with their gnarled branches, and he tripped over a fallen branch. An owl screeched above him. 

  He began to imagine tiny things flit in and out of the edge of his vision, but then they were real. A small flying object that lit up like a glowing Christmas light. Suddenly there were more of them, and they were everywhere. 

   They resembled common birds in size, and flickered different shades of color, a deep mahogany here,  a forest green there, others dark blue, and some violet. They swirled and danced in a breathtaking array of light and color. 

  Jason stood, looking in amazed wonder. He still couldn't see what they were but he was positive the old lady's guess was correct.

  Fairies. 

  He had no fear of being carried off by them, they were so tiny it was comical to think they could make a human disappear. One came close to him...he held his breath, too afraid of frightening it away. 

  He saw that it was, indeed a fairy, but it looked nothing like the usual storybook fairies. 

  Glowing dark shades of brown and orange, it resembled the human figurine of any 'normal' fairy-whatever that means-but the resemblances stopped there. It had tiny horns like a mountain goat, that curled down its back reaching mid-waist, almost like hair. Its feet were bare and looked slightly transparent, glowing bright orange. It had a long tail that flicked and curled like a cats. Jason expected there to be wings on its back but there was nothing. It simply walked on the air, moving as it wanted, like it was walking on an invisible surface. It surpassed its name in the 'fair' aspect, for it was beautiful, and dark. It wore a flowing black cloak over fitted clothes. Its features were sharp, and its cats eyes showed wisdom far beyond their years. Its ears were rounded like a humans, and covering every inch of visible skin were markings, curling black tattoos. 

  Jason held his hand out, as the Fairy came closer to him. It looked at him cocking its head and beckoning for the others to come near as well. Jason stiffened and held his breath as they all came closer to him. They quickly surrounded him and began to comunicate with each other, they seemed to be arguing about something. Jason still didnt move, but instead simply observed. He reveled at the fact that they actually existed, but that also meant that the old lady was right. He wasn't sure why she had thought it was the fairies that made the people vanish. They seemed harmless enough, and they were beautiful. 

   Then they looked like they had come to some agreement and the first fairy came closer to him and simply touched his still hand. 

   A pain like no other he had ever felt, shot up his arm and through his body, he fell to the floor moaning from the pain. Slivers of icy fear spread through him, stealing his breath and suffocating him. 

  Then the other fairies slowly descended upon him. At each ones contact another wave of pain shot through him. He screamed, silent and long from lack of air. Fighting them was useless, he was immobile from the pain. 

   In that moment Jason knew that he would never be seen by any living man again. He should never have listened to those stories, never have gone into the forest, much less at night. He could no longer think over the pain, it was excruciating, filling his head, covering his sight, muting his hearing. They were lifting him up..carrying him away. He began to grow numb to the pain, it faded to a dull throb. He moaned, and begged them to take him back home. The orange fairy looked at him. Then..

  Black.

  Nothing. 

  Everything was gone. 

 

            *      *      *      *      *

E.

Hugs from Jesus

'Twas the day after Christmas, and one poor little blogger

was tired of presents, talking, eggnog or

wrappings and trappings and new things galore

when all she had wanted was to know her Lord more.

Merry Christmas, readers! M. here apologizing for the terrible poetry above, composed by yours truly. I was hoping it would combat the writer's block and help me to collect my thoughts a little better.

I've been thinking a LOT lately. I'm off school, so now I actually have time to think about what I want, when I want! I've been thinking about school next semester, scholarship options, job options, taxes and applications, living on campus, and all of that fun college stuff in my near future! I've also been thinking about Christmas (obviously) but I didn't really know how to explain what I felt.

This week, I was considering what I'd post about for Christmas time. This is the idea that kept forming in my mind: "Presents have been unwrapped, delicious food eaten, relatives welcomed, thank-yous yelled, babies completely spoiled with gifts, laughter and excited chatter heard through the house, new items tried out, gift cards and money spent, and at the end of it all I ponder these things in my heart... that Jesus is, and always will be. And He wants to know me."

Lately I've felt a pull on my heart like never before. I feel like Jesus wants to hug me! To literally embrace me and remind me that I am His, and I can never be taken away from Him. Yes, He loves me; He gives me hope and peace and joy, but at the end of the day, He just gives Himself. Completely, with no strings attached, He is there for me. 

The super busy lifestyle I live makes me forget that. I forget how treasured I am and that there is a higher calling than just meandering through life, when life is actually a marathon. I need to be striving for the ultimate prize, like Paul talks about. I don't think I'm doing that for two reasons: a) I stink at sports, and b) most of the time, I don't mind settling for less than the best. The first one's just a joke (though I am bad at sports) but I truly struggle to remember that I'm not running the race for me, and it's worth every effort that I can give. That Jesus that I was taking about, the one who gives all of Himself to be my Father and my friend, He is the one I should run for. And the best part? He's the prize, too! (I hate this race metaphor sometimes, but I think it works alright.)

Through the presents, food, relatives, and rushing... Jesus is. He waits with arms open, for us to run to Him for an embrace...  yet we open another gift and say "Thank you." We eat more food and chat with more people and go to more parties, and still Jesus waits. Christmas ends, we go back to our lives, yet He's still there. Sometimes I imagine Him saying to the angels, "I can't wait to talk to M. today!" We miss a quiet time, then two, then months have gone by without us noticing. He's still there. He'll always welcome us.

Do you ever feel guilty after not spending time with God? Do you go back to Him hanging your head and apologizing? Or do you avoid Him because you're afraid of the lecture? Or do you grow callous and just run through the motions without emotionally investing? I've done all of these (A LOT). Guess what? He's still waiting! He still is overjoyed to spend time with us. 

Do you ever feel like God just tolerates you? Why?

Take a look at these verses. This time, read them out loud. I know that you're tempted to gloss over the Bible verse section. I do it all the time. READ. EVERY. WORD. OF. THEM. OUT. LOUD. (Colors added for emphasis.)

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

For this next set of verses, I've rewritten them (Go ahead, Bible thumpers; wag your fingers!) based on the 1 John 4:8 claim that God is love. I've also taken it out of stereotypical Bible verse format so that maybe you can see it in a new light.

God is patient.

God is kind.

God does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud.

He does not dishonor others, He is not self-seeking, He is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs.

God does no delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

God ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres.

God never fails.

The greatest of these is Jesus.

(Verses used: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13.)

Let me ask you again: Why do you feel like God just tolerates you? News flash: He doesn't!!! Stop believing the lie that you've been fed by your church, your friends maybe, and your own conscience. This lie you're hearing says that God thinks you're not worth His time if He's not worth yours. 

You are ALWAYS worth it to God. That's what Christmas is all about!! It's reminding ourselves that Jesus knew that it was worth it to give ALL of Himself to become a baby, to live, to die, and to rise again, because it meant that He could give us a great gift - a hug! And more than that, He could know us, and we could know Him.

Through this season and through next year, I want to follow the path God has for me. I want to trust in His love, because it's the love that truly never fails. I want to remember that God rejoices in me, when I obey Him and when I stumble. I want to be satisfied with Jesus, and with Jesus alone. 

Merry Christmas, everyone. -M. :D

Inner Dialogue and (Sort of) Christmas-ish Thoughts

Here's the inner dialogue that's been going on in my head the past month or so:

"M, you need to post something. It's the holiday season and you have so many topics to choose from."

"M, you should post something. You've got free time today and it's been a while."

"M, you have to post something today or your readers will think you've died."

And then there's the other side of my brain:

"No.
(That side of me makes such a good argument.)

Anyway, I'm back (sort of) to talk a little about Christmas. Because, you know, it's like (looks at calendar) A WEEK AWAY?!?! Oops. I probably should start my Christmas shopping, don't ya think? (sheepish grin)

* * * * * * * * * * * *

In church on Sunday, we talked about Christmas, not just the first Christmas, but the second one! You see, for every time the first Christmas is mentioned in the New Testament, the second Christmas (literally, Christ-coming) is mentioned eight. That's a pretty significant ratio. I love thinking about what Christ's coming will be like, and there's a pretty detailed description in 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18:

"For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encouragie one another with these words."

Unfortunately, I want to know EXACTLY what's gonna happen. Will we all disappear randomly? Will we have to wait to see Jesus? Are the people we know who've died already in heaven, or are they waiting somewhere? WHY DON'T WE GET MORE INFORMATION??? (Ahem. Sorry 'bout that.)

Unfortunately, this complaint I have is actually a pretty consistent problem of mine. I always want to know exactly what's gonna happen in life. What am I getting for Christmas? Where am I going to school next year? What career am I going to have? You know, simple stuff like that.  It shouldn't be that hard for God to just let me in on all of His plans for my life, right? When it actually comes down to it, this problem is me not only wanting to know what God's plans are, but wanting to be in control of these plans that God has. I don't want someone else to run my life!

As I've said before, this is a problem of mine... so I need to change, obviously. God knows what's best for me, whether I like it or not, and in the end, it kind of comes down to trusting that God is not a mean Father but a loving one. It's the same thing as a parent keeping their child away from the hot stove, even though the kid might scream and beg to touch it. The parent knows what's best for their son or daughter, so they will keep them from harmful things like that, and the child will develop a respect for their parents by their trustworthiness.

So what does all of this have to do with Christmas? Absolutely nothing. (Just kidding!) :D

I think what it has to do with Christmas is that Jesus came to earth so that we would know the Father. He came so that we would know the Father's love. And He demonstrated ultimate trust in God's will by being willing to do so much through His life, so that we could know that it pays to trust in the Father too. Jesus was a living picture of trust through His whole story:

He trusted God to give Him the right earthly parents. He trusted God to make Him into a baby and be dependent on people for His care. He trusted God through His childhood, not being able to show His deity to the world yet. He trusted God's timing even when His mother said He should act (John 2:4). He trusted God as He performed miracles, healed many sick, and gained a following during His three years of ministry. He trusted God when He knew He was going to die. He trusted in darkness and in fear. He didn't waver as He was beaten and mocked and crucified.

Which do you think was harder for Jesus: Leaving heaven for Christmas or fulfilling what He actually came to do?

That's what my problem has to do with Christmas. It didn't matter which was harder for Jesus because He trusted God enough and was willing to do BOTH of them! That's the Savior we celebrate, one who is trustworthy AND willing to trust. He's worthy of my worship and my trust in every situation, from an awkward Christmas party to a serious sickness in the family.

So, do you trust Him?

That's what I've been thinking about this season, I guess. Take it or leave it. :) I pray you all have a Merry Christmas, and I'll hopefully be back to post something before the New Year!!
-M

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord."(Proverbs 21:30, NIV)