On Unfinished Stories, Death, and Chocolate Milk

                I got my first tattoo several weeks ago. A few days before I turned twenty. It says “unfinished” with three lines between the prefix and the word. Like this: “un///finished.” It’s a symbol for me of a few things: 1. My story is unfinished. I have more life left to live as long as my spirit breathes inside this body and I want to remember that if I’m still breathing, I still have a purpose. 2. God finished it all on the cross (tetelestai, gk. – “it is finished”). Hence the three lines for the three nails Jesus took. 3. Everyone else in this world is loved by God, and He finished it on the cross for them too, and while they still breathe, their story is unfinished too.

My tattoo was sort of a way of saying goodbye to my teenage years and whatever, but it really is important to me. I really do want that message to be permanent and visible to me for the rest of my life. I put it on the inside of my wrist so that I see it every single day. There is no way I can miss it without closing my eyes the whole freaking day or tying my hand up in a scarf or something. It’s visible and it’s there. I want to make every day count like it’s the last day of my life.

Over three months ago now, a Christian homeschool mom in my community shot and killed her 17 year old son, her 12 year old daughter, and then herself. I knew the kids and the mom. I had been in plays with the kids. The son was one of my brother’s best friends. I still can’t find words to explain the shock of knowing that all of it happened, because that's not something you ever want to read in just two or three sentences, let alone cope with. There's no way to romanticize a murder-suicide of a dear friend. I totally believe that mental illnesses are medical problems that need more awareness and treatment. No questions asked. I also think there are deep emotional and spiritual elements to them too in many ways that need awareness and care. This mom; she ended up deciding she wanted her story finished. She didn’t want to keep reading and see how it goes.

It’s even more heartbreaking because in books, you’d usually want to keep reading at the most scary part or the most dangerous part of the story. You want to find out where the hero wins the battle and where they overcome what is dragging them down. We like reading those stories. They are some of the most powerful and inspiring to us. 

We live day to day, though, and if we see no change, we project that onto our own future. That nothing is going to get better. This is how it is. I want to read my next page of my story right about now. It’s been a rollercoaster for a while. I’ve gone through long spiritual droughts. I’ve walked through emotional pain and emotional numbness. I have lived in isolation and wondering if I am going to see the next day. It didn’t work itself out in the short few sentences I just wrote, like you might think in a story. It’s been years of a process. I’m only 20. 

There is so much left of the story left to write. And I have chocolate milk in my fridge right now, so I want to pour myself a glass and enjoy it! And keep reading the story God’s writing in my life. I have so many things I’ve already learned and still have yet to learn. I’m all too aware of my defects and shortcomings and character flaws, but those are just some of the things that make me, well, me.

Oh, but don’t get it mixed up at this part. I’m not the main character. I’d like to think I am, but truly the main character is the author of this story, and that’s Jesus Christ. I believe that He is real and He works in my life. If you don’t, that’s okay, I’m not offended! I hope you’re not offended that I believe that, and act accordingly with that belief.

See, if God’s the main character, His story is still playing out too. And it’s so cool that His story includes us in, like, actually important ways. His story is unfinished, but the outcome will be the same because of the cross. He defeated sin and death and Satan and evil in general with two pieces of wood, three nails, a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and a sinless life. Oh, and a love that spans generations, that overlooks rejection, that ignores blame and slander, that breathes life into anything that even comes close to touching it, and that totally gives us all a second chance to live our lives – for His glory and our blessing.

I almost got a second tattoo when I went in to get my first one – a vine of flowers. They symbolize new life, and milestones I’ve gotten to. Maybe someday I’ll actually go and get it done, but I got really lightheaded twice during my first one and almost passed out. Character flaw, maybe? I don’t really care.

Read along if you’d like. The stories I post here are never very linear – they could include ramblings from really any point of inspiration in my life that I could care to share about. Sometimes they will be light and sometimes heavy, like life. Sometimes you’ll hear a poem in the making in the way I write, and other times I’ll be straight and to the point. Here’s the point I’m gonna make now. Don’t get this twisted: it’s not my story. It’s His. And I’m gonna write what He tells me to and I’ll write it for His glory, not mine.

The Semester in Review and Destressing 101

 

Hi again, my friends! M. here!

It's great to be back! Do you know why?? IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!! (happy dance) School's finally over and I'm beyond excited for the last 15 days of this year. (Yeah, only 15 days till 2016, guys. Buckle up!!)

I just had the craziest semester in my life. In the best way, I think. I started my true first year of college and it was a blast! There was definitely a lot of work, having 8 classes to shuffle every week along with Life group and Chapel and studying and homework and choir practice and work and... well it was just a crazy semester.

It was a crazy semester for another big reason besides school, though. In the past few months, I've really been growing closer to God. I've heard from Him in more tangible ways since September than I think I have my whole high school life! His call to follow Him with all of myself has never been clearer, and the presence of His grace in my daily walk with Him has never been sweeter.

That's one of the things I love so much about God. My relationship with Him doesn't grow in a linear way (nerd word alert!!) but it grows in an exponential way (slow down, there!) because we can always grow closer to God on this earth and we can always dig deeper into the riches of His love. I know He's always got more for me.

Take my stress levels for example. I think we all know that I'm like a joyful little bundle of stress!!! I carry it with me every day; I treat it like a beloved puppy, judging by how much attention I pay to it. Because there's so many things to stress about, right? I mean, there's stressing about the grade I'm gonna get on that homework I turned in yesterday or the random thing I said to that person last week or every time I've embarrassed myself in front of people EVER IN MY LIFE. This blog is full of regrets like that! And then there's today to stress about: does my face look weird? Does she think my shirt's ugly? Am I talking too much? Am I talking enough? Does anyone like me?? How am I going to get everything done today? And then there's stress about the future!!!! That's the best, because the options are limitless!!! What am I going to eat for lunch tomorrow? How much homework will I have next week? What presents am I going to get for my family for Christmas? What classes will I take next semester? What about summer break? What about after I graduate? Am I ever going to get married? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH MY LIFE???

You probably get the picture...

Stress is the easy way out. It's our human response to the unknown and uncontrollable. To be honest, it's really unproductive too. Ever heard that saying that worry is like a rocking chair; it won't get you anywhere but it'll give you something to do? That's definitely true when it comes to the things I stress about the most - they're usually the least important.

A friend is singing a song for her voice recital tomorrow called "Cecie's Lullaby." I'm playing piano and singing harmonies with her, and it's one of the few things that have been keeping me sane lately. The lyrics are from the perspective of God to one of His children:

"Call my name and I will listen

All you need is here inside arms

Just breathe and you'll be safe and sound

With me

No one knows you better than me

No one's been a better friend 

So rock-a-bye, baby, come and rest

You've been tired lately, lay your head down

Don't you think, baby, I know best

I've been a Father for a long time" 

Because I'm a foster sister, there's plenty of crying kids around. I know nap time and bed time especially can be stressful for babies, so the other day I held my two year old foster sister and sang her those words. And she screamed the whole time, but after another song she calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. There aren't many things in the world that can top that. But it got me to thinking about the whole rocking chair analogy.

Maybe you rocking in the rocking chair won't get you anywhere, but perhaps letting Him hold you and sing you to sleep is how he designed it. The stress isn't ours to worry about. It's His to handle.

How will you intentionally pursue God's rest this Christmas?

-M.

Crazy Months (and new adventures)

Hey all!

How have you been? We're sorry for leaving you all in the middle of October and never coming back (just kidding, I'm writing right now!!!)

Last time I hung out with you guys, it was the middle of SEPTEMBER (oops) and I had just been getting into a new school and work routine for my life. I haven't written here since then because I've been writing in other ways!!! (Like songs and spoken words!!! And another project that I'll tell you about in a minute...)

ON CLASSES: They're going really good for the most part! I still really am not loving my 8:25 music theory class (and that's not even that early!). We are done with Aristotle in our English class and only have one more paper and one presentation for the semester!!! We're looking at Ethics in my "university success" class and at the person of Jesus Christ in theology. :D

ON MUSIC: I've written two songs here at school!!! Both were homework assignments. :P I also am really looking forward to learning how to use the tech equipment we have in our new RECORDING STUDIO!!!! I really love the band that I'm a part of - it's so much fun to jam out with other people who love and follow Jesus and want to lift Him high the same way you do!

ON OTHER FUN THINGS: I was in a play!!!!! And I am currently doing a writing project called "NaNoWriMo!" That's an abbreviation for National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write 50,000 words in the month of November. That's 1,667 words a day!!! So the writing side of my brain is a little shot currently. I hope to blog at least a few more times here in November; but I apologize in advance if I end up under a rock the whole month!!! Maybe I'll post a little excerpt from the rough draft here sometime this month :D

ON THE HOLY SPIRIT: The Holy Spirit has been more present in my life in the last few weeks than I've ever felt Him. I used to worry about my salvation because of how sinful or messed up I was, but the fact that I hear the Holy Spirit's conviction so often in my, I am more assured and confident in my salvation than ever! I'm also more convinced of the things that God is calling me to do; even when I don't want to do it or feel uncomfortable doing it. (Especially when I feel uncomfortable doing it!)

ON SLEEP: Is it normal to fall asleep in the middle of the day and accidentally sleep for THREE AND A HALF HOURS??? I've done that twice in the last ten days.... (hehe oops). Hey, at least I didn't sleep through any classes!

ON MY NEW SISTER!!! We're adopting my baby sister!! We've had her in foster care for over a year now and on Friday, we are officially adopting her!!! I'M SO EXCITED GUYS!!!!!!!! (Can you tell?)

ON SIMPLEX STUFF: I have a post in my mind about Identity that I'm hoping to work on soon!! So you all can look forward to that! :D Also life gets simpler and simpler the more I think about it. Here's a new little perspective on what simplex means to me lately:

"The world gets crazier and crazier. God calls, 'talk with me.' 

Your life circumstances get heavier, Jesus says, 'I died for those.' 

The culture whispers to you to enjoy yourself, the Holy Spirit cries, 'deny yourself.'

It's a simple sentence. But the fact that it's from the Lord of the galaxies makes it astronomical."

Thanks for reading! Talk to you all soon!

-M.

On College and "Those Days"

Hello, dear readers! Happy Spring! :D

M. here. I feel like I'm returning to an old home. It hasn't really been that long since I last blogged (yeah, it has) but it's FELT like forever!! My life has just been packed with school, music, work, organizing, planning, and dreaming of the future. Every time I returned to this page, I felt like I had nothing to write about... So sad. But my mind has been far from empty; most of my thoughts are of school, or more importantly, getting ready for COLLEGE!!!!

Guys, I'm going to college in 5 1/2 months. 159 days. (Yes, I'm counting now.) Which is 3816 hours.... Oh, forget it!!

I'm going to college. (shrieks in excitement)

I've got my schedule, my room assignment, my packing list, my summer job, and my AWESOME friends and family helping me along the way with it all. My major will be a dream experience for me; by studying Worship Arts I get to take music classes, voice lessons, be in choirs, and ALSO get to take theology courses!!! I honestly don't know which ones I'm more excited for.

Why am I going to college?? I thought I was like, 12 three weeks ago. Who let me grow up???

I am thinking about starting a series or collection of posts for the blog on my college experience, including packing and planning, organizing and prettifying my dorm, what I learn in classes, studying and learning tips, and all the simplex things that happen throughout the journey! (If I have time, that is....) I'll probably begin posting things of that sort once I finish my online classes in May. :D

Okay, enough about schoolish things. Here is some simplex encouragement for you today!!! (In hindsight, it's actually really deep... but that's okay!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You know those days when you want to kick a chair over? Or maybe those days when you want to disappear into your room and melt away into your bed? Or maybe those days when you really, really need a hug and no one's around?? Or even those days when you can't think straight because of the constant barrage of things to do and places to be and work to finish but you have no time???

You know "those days?" If someone came up and asked you how you were, would you say, "It's been one of those days!"

Yeah, I have those days too. (Duh.) Everyone has those days! (Again, duh.) The worst part of days like that, for me, are when I don't learn anything from them. I know that God is supposed to be using every moment to teach me something about Him, or myself; but a lot of the time it seems like those days are just there. I try to ask God what He's teaching me, but I hear no answer. Then without skipping a beat I get mad at God and turn to something, anything besides Him for comfort. I don't really even bother to wait any longer than a minute for a calming peace, a solution to the problem, or a teaching moment.

My problem with "those days" isn't really how bad the day actually is. It's that God isn't helping fix it when I want Him to.

It's taken me a really long time to figure out this sentence I'm going to share with you: God doesn't run on your timing; He is not your servant but your King. That is a very simple sentence that I'm sure most you would agree with. But during one of those days, do you really live like it's true?

Here's an example. (It's kind of a long one.) Last fall, I was set to attend a gap year program in another state. I had attended youth camps put on by this association and had always loved them; but an actual nine month study program sounded beyond epic to me. Because I hadn't originally intended to do any school during my gap year, I was torn between staying home or trying to go there.

I trusted God with the decision and sent in my application. I actually put my dreams in His hands and was confident He'd help me make the right decision. I was accepted and was ecstatic!! I began dreaming of the opportunities, obviously. But it was short-lived excitement. I couldn't afford the cost of the program and had to withdraw a month before it began. I was crushed. All the trust I'd put in Jesus, and it felt like He'd dumped me in the garbage. 

For the last year, this experience has weighed on me because I could not understand why God put me through that. I've had some great moments this year that showed me that I was meant to stay home (See: It's the Little Things, Hugs from Jesus) and I understood that, but why didn't He just steer me away from the opportunity or tell me not to apply, so I wouldn't get my dreams shattered? My level of passion in the things I loved went waaay down last fall, even unconsciously, because God had taken something away from me.

That's always the magic question, isn't it: why?? Here's the magic answer: God doesn't run on your timing; He is not your servant but your King. (Look familiar?) Technically, we don't have the right to ask God why He does things His way. Sure, He lets us ask away, but He's never obliged to answer.

Here's the most important part, though, in this equation: If God wants us to know what's going on, He will tell us!! He loves us enough to want to do that for us. He doesn't have to tell us anything really (See: the book of Job!!) but He chooses to give us answers sometimes for the sake of showing us how He loves us!!

In the example I gave, I only recently have come to an understanding of why I went through that time of confusion last summer. God wanted to give me something beyond me and out of my control. It forced me to trust Him with it, which I did. But He also wanted me to accept the outcome I didn't expect (having the door opened and then quickly shut again) and continue to trust Him, which I did not do. I tried to take back the control of my own life once I thought that God couldn't handle it. Obviously He could have and did, but I was running the wrong direction to see it!

Yeah, that's basically what happened last summer!! ;)

Through the Christmas season and these first two months of this year, God has been revealing why I went through that tough time: He was teaching me to accept His changes of direction because they're way better! I probably wouldn't be going to the college I am this fall, if I had gone to that program last year. I might have not pursued a degree in Worship Arts, I might not have seen our little brother's adoption (!!) or met the AWESOME kids I work with each week. And I definitely wouldn't have learned the lesson of changing direction when I really needed it.

It only took me a few months for this resolution, but sometimes it may take years to get it. You may never get it. (Again, see: the book of Job.) God doesn't run on your timing!! I've learned the hard way that going God's way will hurt your heart less in the long run, and I hope you never have to learn it the hard way. Do you have any thoughts on this topic? Comment away!

Remember this: God hears. He knows. His timing is perfect.

As always, thanks for reading!
M.

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

-Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)

Thoughtful

Hello friends! M. here! What? We haven't talked since last year?

Oh. Right. About that....

I wish I had a valid excuse but life is just busy sometimes. I've been involved with work, school (I'm taking intro to psychology right now, and it's simultaneously fascinating and incredibly boring), thinking a lot (about psychology, Jesus stuff, future decisions, etc.), and trying to begin to prep for heading to college in the fall.

I've been thinking a lot lately.

I kind of wanted to post on what I've been thinking about. So much has been on my mind, the range of situations and contexts and ideas and theories and hopes and worries couldn't all be described in just a simple blog post. However, this will hopefully be a snapshot of them.

I've been thinking a lot about personality theories and type, because it's been in my assignments for school. Through the study and self-assesment I have been struggling with a sort of identity crisis because I really wanted to know which type I fit best with but I also didn't want to get it wrong. I want to know why I think and act the way I do, where I fit in the world, and the way I can best honor God.

I've been thinking a lot about plans for school. I've been making lists of lists that I need to make of the things I need to do before school! (Crazy much? Yeah.) I can't believe how excited I am to go to college in the fall. Honestly, this opportunity, the degree program, the financial situation, and every fine detail feels like the perfect fit and more God-orchestrated than what I could have imagined.

I've been thinking a lot about Grace. It's the theme this semester at our choir and getting to learn it as we begin the year has been more impactful than I can put into words. There is a sort of natural, raw, untainted beauty about how the person who was epitome of perfect chose to be scarred for my sake, and continually pours out mercy to me each morning.

I've been thinking a lot about thinking. I have so many questions. How can a thought honor or dishonor God? Can I control my thoughts? Can I change the way I process and deal with information? Is it healthy to think so much? Why is the world inside my head so loud?? 

I don't know the answers to questions like these. And if you know me, you know I hate saying I don't know the answer to a question.

Everything in my life seems kind of random right now. My work schedule isn't very routine, my schoolwork changes after only short periods of time, and my thoughts are flying in every direction. "Why does life have to be so crazy?" I ask over and over again.

Then I remember there is only one thing. In the end, this chaos will fade and the questions will no longer matter, and I will see Jesus. And He is King, and nothing else matters.

Yeah, some peace and some rest would be great right now, but He is King and is doing what's best.
Yeah, the answers would be great right now, but He is King and doesn't have to answer to me.
Yeah, having more routine and less stress would be fantastic, but He is King and there is Grace.

"Be still and know I am God." 

(Psalm 46:10)

50 POSTS!!!

50TH POST AUTHOR INTERVIEW-CELEBRATION-COOL-THINGY

(translation: I (M.) couldn't come up with a good title for the 50th post. You'd think we have this down by now, but noooo.....)

ACTION KEY:
(A word in this color means this author is speaking, acting, or being described)

M: purple

L: green

E: blue

M: Simplex is now a real word! I'm pleased to announce that "Simplex" has been officially added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary... Not really! We're not that famous. (and we probably never will be!)

L: BUT WE'RE AWESOME!!!

E: And so is the LEGO Movie!! (Breaks into song and dance) "Everything is awesoooome..... Everything is cool when you're part of a team!!"

M: (stares at E. with slight concern)

L: (begins to laugh hysterically)

M: And so begins our interview... and impending demise.

QUESTION 1: TELL US SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT ONE OF YOUR FELLOW AUTHORS.

E. M enjoys using parentheses in weird and crazy ways... (M ponders the opportunity(but doesn't do anything about it(or does she???)))

L: and E. never gets enough sleep! (E. yawns)

M: and L is secretly a pop star! (L breaks out in loud song)

QUESTION 2: DESCRIBE THE OTHER GIRLS IN ONE WORD.

M: L is pondering and E is Engaging.
E: M is a rainbow and L is twirly!

L: E. is Random and M. is thoughtful.

M: We make a make a good mix!

QUESTION 3: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERISTIC OF GOD?

L: The fact that He knows us perfectly and still loves us perfectly!

M: The way He has a perfect plan for everything; how His story is woven through all aspects of our lives!

E. HIS SENSE OF HUMOR!!

QUESTION 4: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO POST ON THE BLOG?

M: I like writing about Simplexities or something creative, fun, and engaging.

L: Well, I haven't posted much yet but I enjoy writing stories!

E: I enjoy posting my drawings and funny wallpapers.

M: For example, the picture to the right was drawn by E. during the early stages of the interview, in 5 minutes, on a simple dry-erase board. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is called talent!!

QUESTION 5: WHO DO YOU LOOK UP TO?

L: Simon Peter. He messed up pretty bad, but Jesus forgave him and he did some pretty bold stuff for the gospel.

E: Donald Duck. No further questions.

M: Well, most of my friends are taller than me. My neck gets sore sometimes.

QUESTION 6: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BLOG POST UP TILL NOW?

E: Creative Writing Prompt #6 or #15.

L: "A Lot can change in Two Weeks."

M: Creative Writing Prompt #13. (but now, probably this 50th post!!)

(Pause of awkward silence, but only for a moment...)

E: Moo, I'm a cow, and you can't do anything about it!!

M: Wow, ok....

E: MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

L: I like M.'s responses to E.

M: It's getting late, can you tell?

L: In other words, I love you both.

M: AWWWWW!!

E: .......moo?.......

CAN WE GET TO THE LAST QUESTION BEFORE YOU THREE GO INSANE?

M: Too late! 

E: (rises and begins to walk around the room like a penguin)

M: (sighs dramatically) We are all insane already.

E: Moo.

L: (Laughs at everyone in the most loving way possible)

THE LAST QUESTION: (FOR THIS INTERVIEW, ANYWAYS)

DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE, SAGE WORDS, WISE WORDS, HUMOROUS WORDS, WORDS OF QUESTIONABLE INTENT, OR OTHER WORDS YOU WISH TO IMPART TO THE READING AUDIENCE?

L: Jesus loves you!!! M. and E. are awesome! And eat more Pizza.

E: Don't get brain freezes reading the blog. And doughnuts are good.

M: Paperclips. 'Nuff said.