Day 76: "Bear Witness"

Luke 21:13-15

Luke 21:13-15 (ESV) "This will be your opportunity to bear witness. Settle it therefore in your minds not to meditate beforehand how to answer, for I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which none of your adversaries will be able to withstand or contradict."

When I Read "The Shack" 3 Years Ago...

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." - Colossians 3:3

"And everyone who thus hopes in Him purifies himself as He is pure." - 1 John 3:3

Hi friends!

I have a story for you! It might sound like a bad one or a scary one, but it's actually one of the greatest stories of God's victory in my own life. The movie adaptation of "The Shack" came out this year, but three years ago today I read the book for the first time and it was a tool God used to bring freedom and redemption into my life. I've had a desire to tell this story for a few months, but I realized last night that God's timing lined up for today to be the day I needed to post this.

I am a victor over an addiction to pornography, by the grace of Jesus Christ. It's high time I tell the story of God's goodness and power in my life because I don't deserve to hide it all inside away from prying eyes; I can't help but shout from the rooftops just how powerful and amazing my Savior Jesus is.

Here's how "The Shack" plays into this story. Let's rewind to January of 2014. I'd been hiding an addiction to pornography for a year and a half at this point and desperately wanted out, however, I also wanted no one to ever know. I challenged myself to go 100 days without reading or looking at explicit content. I was hoping for freedom, but I didn't know if I could ever have it - after all, other Christian homeschooled girls definitely didn't struggle with this kind of sin. No one ever talked about it, so obviously it wasn't present... right?

Fast forward to March 7th, 2014. I'd gone back to the internet a few times during this 100 day "clean" challenge and I felt like I had failed, but I was still fighting hard. A week or two prior, a good friend had lent me a book called "The Shack" and I decided I should read it so I could return it to her. I had no clue what lay in those pages, but as I read through the book in a single afternoon, God used the story of grace more powerful than any sin someone could commit to break these chains of addiction in my own life. 

And I felt free. Free to love Jesus more than myself and my desires. Free to say that I am forgiven and redeemed. and free to choose to walk away from the lie of goodness and escape from the world that pornography tried to offer.

I can tell you from experience - you will never, ever, ever find lasting joy in anything other than Jesus Christ. I tried.

I was free from the bonds of this addiction, and it has been a hard battle to continually say no to temptation - because it's always there. I had to and have to choose to love Jesus more. After this exploration of freedom began, so also a new fight began in my heart: The fight for honesty. This fight would be much harder because it was a battle of my own will. God was teaching me in this time that I was not going to be "found out" because it would not help me learn the lesson that He needed me to learn - I had a choice to obey what God called me to, and I needed to take it.

Through the next year and a half, I still struggled sometimes with going back to read explicit content but the constant feeling that haunted me was that I'd have to tell someone what I'd done; what I'd hidden behind a happy persona for years.

Fast forward again to October of 2015. I went to a worship night at school and God was really convicting me that I needed to open up. That night a girl I didn't even know prayed over my for healing of jaw pain and TMJ issues that I'd been having for over two years. God chose to heal my pain, even though I tried to use it to make a deal with God that I'd open up only if He gave me what I asked for. Yet His love knew no barriers and that night I was able to share with my mom that God had healed my pain and that I'd struggled with lust for several years. I was so close to telling the whole truth, but something in my feared still that I was too dirty, too unworthy to be known and loved.

The breaking point came a month later as I sat frozen to the floor in a friend's basement where two of the people closest to my heart tried to get me to even speak. I couldn't feel anything but how cold it was and that this fear would eat me alive. It was not easy to say out loud the thing I thought was the worst of my humanity. But finally I said the words, "I'm a recovering porn addict" and my friends rejoiced at my confession. The healing had begun.

Over the last year as I grew further and further from the shame of my past and the temptation to let it own me yet again, I've opened up to a few people close to me and told them at least parts of this story. Even in the last several months, I've been attempting to bring it up in less "super-spiritual" or intense conversation because I know the Lord has called me to make known that He's freed me. And putting this now in writing is one of the keys to that calling.

God laid in on my heart about three months ago to write this story out as a testimony to what He's done in my life. Since confessing with my mouth the sin I've committed, I've become able to see that I also can confess with my mouth the grace and love the Father has lavished on me, that I should be adopted as a child of God. I'm loved no matter what I've done and no matter what I will do.

Today it's been three years since I first read "The Shack" and though I haven't seen the movie yet, I plan to and I'm sure it will be an emotional moment for me to remember the work God began in my heart as I read that story for the first time. Whatever you take away from reading this, I hope you see clearly that these words do not convey defeat. My story is not one to be hidden away and not one to be discussed with hushed words any longer. It is a story that there is a God with a love so deep, so far-reaching, that he could reach even me, a prodigal who ran as far as she could and a broken girl who thought she would never be lovable again.

I know and believe I am loved, I am forgiven, and I am free. My story is that Jesus loves me.

Thank you all for reading! You all have a special place in my heart, even if I don't know you very well or haven't seen you in a long time. If you need prayer or a listening ear, let me know, I'd love to be there for you!
-M.

Day 24: "With a Sincere Heart"

Ephesians 6:5

Ephesians 6:5 "Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ."

Day 22: "Leads to Life"

Proverbs 19:23

Proverbs 19:23 "The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm."

Day 10: "I Will Show You Kindness"

1 Samuel 9:7

And David said to him, "Do not fear, for I will show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan, and I will restore to you all the land of Saul your father, and you shall eat at my table always." (ESV)

Years before saying this, David had made a promise to his best friend Jonathan to show the steadfast love of God to him and his family forever (1 Samuel 20:12-17 [you should read it]). Later David became the king of Israel but by then Jonathan had been killed so David started asking questions to see if any of Jonathan's family was still alive so he could fulfill his promise. A servant told him where to find Mephibosheth, Jonathan's only living son. David sent for him and made the promise above, and he kept it. He didn't just give him land and send servants to care for it but he gave him a seat at his table with his sons, to sit there always.
The Bible tell's us twice that Mephibosheth was crippled in both feet so he couldn't do much to replay David, but David didn't expect anything; he just cared for Maphiboshelth out of love for Johnathan, and faithfulness to his promise. He showed him kindness, not because of what he did, but because of who his father was.

The first time I remember hearing this story was at a church summer camp. My pastor pointed out that striking reflection of God's grace to mankind. God lavishes His love on us, calls us to His family (1 John 3:1), and offers us an inheritance with His Son (Romans 8:17), and  not because of what we have done or can do (remember? Mephibosheth was crippled,) but because of who we are to Him, because of who our father is.
So don't be afraid; God welcomes you freely; you don't have to earn his grace, He loves you for who you are and nothing will ever change that.
-L.

Day 9: "You did not Receive..."

Romans 8:15-16

Romans 8:15-16 ESV "For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!' The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God."

Day 7: "The Judgement is God's"

Deuteronomy 1:17

Deuteronomy 1:17 ESV - "You shall not be partial in judgment. You shall hear the small and the great alike. You shall not be intimidated by anyone, for the judgment is God's. And the case that is too hard for you, you shall bring to me, and I will hear it."

[made new]

You have been made new. 

Reborn. 

Reimagined. 

Remixed, if you will. 

Your song does not sing the way it used to.

You consist of entirely different cells than you did 7 years ago. Think back and you will realize your ideologies, dreams, fears, and priorities have all changed in major ways since then as well.

Yet are you still you? Moreover, what truly makes you… you? I never said we wouldn’t get existential at some point on this journey.

Your soul is the essence of who you are and your body is a vessel. Make no mistake, God designed you to be exactly the way you are for a reason and how you look is part of His masterful system. But that body houses your spirit, your life, and the breath that continues to give oxygen to your blood to pump through your veins to let each part do its proper work.

God says that your body, as well as your spirit within you, used to have a nature of darkness. You were a child of wrath, rebellious, selfish, preferring your own way over God’s. Deciding you didn’t owe God every last second of the breath He has lavished you with as if it was yours to be in command of. This darkness was who you were.

But you have been made new. 

Remixed. 

Reborn. 

Rediscovered, if you want. 

Your eyes do not see as they used to.

Now you are “in Christ” as Paul says often. Meaning you take His name, His status, His identity, His inheritance, and His Spirit. You take the name of Christ upon you and bear it. You take on the status of a child of the Creator and Father. You take on His identity of beloved. Beloved beyond compare. You take on His inheritance of reigning with Him and being glorified with Him. I’ve heard it said that the Living One was willing to die so that the dead could become living ones. Finally, you are indwelt by His Spirit. You have the Spirit of Christ now in you. In charge of you. The spirit that once was your own to control is no longer so. You have been given a new nature, a new calling, a new hope, and a new path to walk.

You have been made new. 

Rediscovered. 

Repurposed. 

Reclaimed. 

Your will no longer belongs to you as it used to.

Your life is upside down, not to be controlled by your selfish desires and dreams. Instead, God’s Spirit infuses himself into your very veins and begins to fill you with His will and calling for your life. You were bought with a price and when you submit your will rightly to Him, He takes over. The best part is you will actually eventually enjoy it! You will begin to have a heart for the things God has a heart for. You will want to follow God’s calling for your life because your life will become an unknown adventure where the Creator of the world has the reins and means to let you do absolutely anything that could possibly honor Him. It’s freaking awesome.

You have been made new. 

Reclaimed. 

Redirected. 

And rewarded. 

Your glory no longer belongs to you as it used to.

The credits roll likely wouldn't have your name on it. You're not even quite deserving enough to be an extra in this film because the starring role of the hero is played by the Lamb who died to save the damsel in distress, a church with a torn veil who is not the spotless bride she once was. Yet somehow you are considered a co-heir and a child of this man who hung the stars but still prefers your daily company. It's a strange plot but a beautiful dance. There is no story yet to rival it, and your joy is His company and His presence for eternities on end. 

And yet as each eternity ends and begins anew and you are still with Him forever,

         have        en  re           ed.

You            be           new      

             will           made        again.

-M.        

On Unfinished Stories, Death, and Chocolate Milk

                I got my first tattoo several weeks ago. A few days before I turned twenty. It says “unfinished” with three lines between the prefix and the word. Like this: “un///finished.” It’s a symbol for me of a few things: 1. My story is unfinished. I have more life left to live as long as my spirit breathes inside this body and I want to remember that if I’m still breathing, I still have a purpose. 2. God finished it all on the cross (tetelestai, gk. – “it is finished”). Hence the three lines for the three nails Jesus took. 3. Everyone else in this world is loved by God, and He finished it on the cross for them too, and while they still breathe, their story is unfinished too.

My tattoo was sort of a way of saying goodbye to my teenage years and whatever, but it really is important to me. I really do want that message to be permanent and visible to me for the rest of my life. I put it on the inside of my wrist so that I see it every single day. There is no way I can miss it without closing my eyes the whole freaking day or tying my hand up in a scarf or something. It’s visible and it’s there. I want to make every day count like it’s the last day of my life.

Over three months ago now, a Christian homeschool mom in my community shot and killed her 17 year old son, her 12 year old daughter, and then herself. I knew the kids and the mom. I had been in plays with the kids. The son was one of my brother’s best friends. I still can’t find words to explain the shock of knowing that all of it happened, because that's not something you ever want to read in just two or three sentences, let alone cope with. There's no way to romanticize a murder-suicide of a dear friend. I totally believe that mental illnesses are medical problems that need more awareness and treatment. No questions asked. I also think there are deep emotional and spiritual elements to them too in many ways that need awareness and care. This mom; she ended up deciding she wanted her story finished. She didn’t want to keep reading and see how it goes.

It’s even more heartbreaking because in books, you’d usually want to keep reading at the most scary part or the most dangerous part of the story. You want to find out where the hero wins the battle and where they overcome what is dragging them down. We like reading those stories. They are some of the most powerful and inspiring to us. 

We live day to day, though, and if we see no change, we project that onto our own future. That nothing is going to get better. This is how it is. I want to read my next page of my story right about now. It’s been a rollercoaster for a while. I’ve gone through long spiritual droughts. I’ve walked through emotional pain and emotional numbness. I have lived in isolation and wondering if I am going to see the next day. It didn’t work itself out in the short few sentences I just wrote, like you might think in a story. It’s been years of a process. I’m only 20. 

There is so much left of the story left to write. And I have chocolate milk in my fridge right now, so I want to pour myself a glass and enjoy it! And keep reading the story God’s writing in my life. I have so many things I’ve already learned and still have yet to learn. I’m all too aware of my defects and shortcomings and character flaws, but those are just some of the things that make me, well, me.

Oh, but don’t get it mixed up at this part. I’m not the main character. I’d like to think I am, but truly the main character is the author of this story, and that’s Jesus Christ. I believe that He is real and He works in my life. If you don’t, that’s okay, I’m not offended! I hope you’re not offended that I believe that, and act accordingly with that belief.

See, if God’s the main character, His story is still playing out too. And it’s so cool that His story includes us in, like, actually important ways. His story is unfinished, but the outcome will be the same because of the cross. He defeated sin and death and Satan and evil in general with two pieces of wood, three nails, a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and a sinless life. Oh, and a love that spans generations, that overlooks rejection, that ignores blame and slander, that breathes life into anything that even comes close to touching it, and that totally gives us all a second chance to live our lives – for His glory and our blessing.

I almost got a second tattoo when I went in to get my first one – a vine of flowers. They symbolize new life, and milestones I’ve gotten to. Maybe someday I’ll actually go and get it done, but I got really lightheaded twice during my first one and almost passed out. Character flaw, maybe? I don’t really care.

Read along if you’d like. The stories I post here are never very linear – they could include ramblings from really any point of inspiration in my life that I could care to share about. Sometimes they will be light and sometimes heavy, like life. Sometimes you’ll hear a poem in the making in the way I write, and other times I’ll be straight and to the point. Here’s the point I’m gonna make now. Don’t get this twisted: it’s not my story. It’s His. And I’m gonna write what He tells me to and I’ll write it for His glory, not mine.

The Semester in Review and Destressing 101

 

Hi again, my friends! M. here!

It's great to be back! Do you know why?? IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!! (happy dance) School's finally over and I'm beyond excited for the last 15 days of this year. (Yeah, only 15 days till 2016, guys. Buckle up!!)

I just had the craziest semester in my life. In the best way, I think. I started my true first year of college and it was a blast! There was definitely a lot of work, having 8 classes to shuffle every week along with Life group and Chapel and studying and homework and choir practice and work and... well it was just a crazy semester.

It was a crazy semester for another big reason besides school, though. In the past few months, I've really been growing closer to God. I've heard from Him in more tangible ways since September than I think I have my whole high school life! His call to follow Him with all of myself has never been clearer, and the presence of His grace in my daily walk with Him has never been sweeter.

That's one of the things I love so much about God. My relationship with Him doesn't grow in a linear way (nerd word alert!!) but it grows in an exponential way (slow down, there!) because we can always grow closer to God on this earth and we can always dig deeper into the riches of His love. I know He's always got more for me.

Take my stress levels for example. I think we all know that I'm like a joyful little bundle of stress!!! I carry it with me every day; I treat it like a beloved puppy, judging by how much attention I pay to it. Because there's so many things to stress about, right? I mean, there's stressing about the grade I'm gonna get on that homework I turned in yesterday or the random thing I said to that person last week or every time I've embarrassed myself in front of people EVER IN MY LIFE. This blog is full of regrets like that! And then there's today to stress about: does my face look weird? Does she think my shirt's ugly? Am I talking too much? Am I talking enough? Does anyone like me?? How am I going to get everything done today? And then there's stress about the future!!!! That's the best, because the options are limitless!!! What am I going to eat for lunch tomorrow? How much homework will I have next week? What presents am I going to get for my family for Christmas? What classes will I take next semester? What about summer break? What about after I graduate? Am I ever going to get married? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH MY LIFE???

You probably get the picture...

Stress is the easy way out. It's our human response to the unknown and uncontrollable. To be honest, it's really unproductive too. Ever heard that saying that worry is like a rocking chair; it won't get you anywhere but it'll give you something to do? That's definitely true when it comes to the things I stress about the most - they're usually the least important.

A friend is singing a song for her voice recital tomorrow called "Cecie's Lullaby." I'm playing piano and singing harmonies with her, and it's one of the few things that have been keeping me sane lately. The lyrics are from the perspective of God to one of His children:

"Call my name and I will listen

All you need is here inside arms

Just breathe and you'll be safe and sound

With me

No one knows you better than me

No one's been a better friend 

So rock-a-bye, baby, come and rest

You've been tired lately, lay your head down

Don't you think, baby, I know best

I've been a Father for a long time" 

Because I'm a foster sister, there's plenty of crying kids around. I know nap time and bed time especially can be stressful for babies, so the other day I held my two year old foster sister and sang her those words. And she screamed the whole time, but after another song she calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. There aren't many things in the world that can top that. But it got me to thinking about the whole rocking chair analogy.

Maybe you rocking in the rocking chair won't get you anywhere, but perhaps letting Him hold you and sing you to sleep is how he designed it. The stress isn't ours to worry about. It's His to handle.

How will you intentionally pursue God's rest this Christmas?

-M.