On FIVE DAYS TILL SCHOOL (!!) and Moments that Change You

This might not turn out as well as I'm hoping, but here goes nothing...

Hey everyone! M. here!!!

(So just to confirm how awful my motivation/inspiration/will to write is currently, I wrote the two sentences above TWO WEEKS ago and then was sidetracked for the day and then I forgot about them and then I continued life as usual and then I procrastinated and then I CAME HOME and then I started packing and can you tell that blogging hasn't been a priority lately????)

How are you all doing? Comment below with your lamest pun involving a banana, a buffalo, and a pair of socks. :D

GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! I move into my new dorm in 5 (five) (cinco!!!) days!!!
I can't believe it. I'm literally dancing in my room right now. (And you can't prove me wrong cause you're not here to see it! So there.)

Anyway, on to my simplex observations of the day!

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Life is funny. It changes so quickly yet we expect it to stay fairly consistent. We expect our perceptions of the world to be consistent, which really is the strangest thing to expect at all!! This is because our perception and our "brain filters" or "worldview lenses" are always being added to with each new experience every day.

Think back to a year or so ago. Didn't you feel so much younger, or immature, or less knowledgeable? Well, that's because, obviously, you were younger. You probably were more immature. And you were definitely less knowledgeable, whether in head knowledge or experiential knowledge. And all of the moments in the last year of your life have brought you to today! And each moment is going to move you forward. To some degree, what you ate for breakfast today actually is going to change the outcome of your life!!!!

But don't freak out - it's NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. Something that trivial is probably not going to change your life in a negative or positive way. It's a more neutral event in the grand scheme of your years of life. But there are some events, some moments or days that leave a mark on you.

And you are forever different because of it.

Maybe it was a moment in first grade when you made an awesome friend - or an "enemy for life." Maybe it was your first day at a job. Maybe it was a graduation or the receiving of an award that you worked really hard for! Maybe it was the day when someone close to you died. Or maybe it was a period of time when you struggled with doubt or anxiety or depression. Maybe it was a moment of laughter you shared with a friend. Or maybe it was the week you spent at youth camp.

Whatever it was, it changed you. And it's so weird that we expect consistency in our own lives when we have moments or days like that.

I had more than a few days like that this summer. In fact, my whole summer was an experience that changed me!! Going away for a month to a place out of my comfort zone, to a job that fulfilled me and exhausted me simultaneously, and to a spiritual craving for God unlike my usual walk with Him really grew me and stretched me in ways I didn't expect or ask for.

I'm finally home and have had a week to get back "to normal;" just in time to start packing up for school! But a recap is always necessary for me to really get some good closure.

Here's a short little list of things that hit me this summer during my summer job/weekend trips home/vacation with family:

• It's actually ok to be homesick!!!! (In the past I viewed it as a weakness and therefore to be avoided like the plague. But it's real and it's healthy!)
• Hard work doesn't always pay off. But wise work does.
• The timely encouragement of a friend is worth more than gold!!!
• Car drives were made for loud music. And singing at the top of my lungs.
• Taking pictures was one of my coping methods. And also one of my ways to save up priceless memories. 
• I really really love the visual aid of life as a story to remind myself that Jesus is a better author than I'll ever be.
• I missed my piano SO MUCH over the summer!
• I had some long days at work, but the last week had one of the hardest because I was so spent of energy.
• My time spent with God was different because I was in a place of daily reliance on Him much more that I do at home. And I want to trust Him that much all the time, recognizing that every little thing I have is from His will.

This summer changed me. God changed me in a good way, though the path wasn't sunshine and rainbows all of the time. In fact it was often clouds and downpour, both figuratively and literally!! But now I see life a different way and it's brought me closer to God and to other friends!

And now, in just five days, I'm going on another new adventure. God's called me to the school I'm headed for and He's opened every single door I've needed to follow that calling. And I can't wait to make so many memories and have those moments that change me forever as God molds me into the girl He wants me to be.

See you guys next time!!
-M.

On College and "Those Days"

Hello, dear readers! Happy Spring! :D

M. here. I feel like I'm returning to an old home. It hasn't really been that long since I last blogged (yeah, it has) but it's FELT like forever!! My life has just been packed with school, music, work, organizing, planning, and dreaming of the future. Every time I returned to this page, I felt like I had nothing to write about... So sad. But my mind has been far from empty; most of my thoughts are of school, or more importantly, getting ready for COLLEGE!!!!

Guys, I'm going to college in 5 1/2 months. 159 days. (Yes, I'm counting now.) Which is 3816 hours.... Oh, forget it!!

I'm going to college. (shrieks in excitement)

I've got my schedule, my room assignment, my packing list, my summer job, and my AWESOME friends and family helping me along the way with it all. My major will be a dream experience for me; by studying Worship Arts I get to take music classes, voice lessons, be in choirs, and ALSO get to take theology courses!!! I honestly don't know which ones I'm more excited for.

Why am I going to college?? I thought I was like, 12 three weeks ago. Who let me grow up???

I am thinking about starting a series or collection of posts for the blog on my college experience, including packing and planning, organizing and prettifying my dorm, what I learn in classes, studying and learning tips, and all the simplex things that happen throughout the journey! (If I have time, that is....) I'll probably begin posting things of that sort once I finish my online classes in May. :D

Okay, enough about schoolish things. Here is some simplex encouragement for you today!!! (In hindsight, it's actually really deep... but that's okay!)

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You know those days when you want to kick a chair over? Or maybe those days when you want to disappear into your room and melt away into your bed? Or maybe those days when you really, really need a hug and no one's around?? Or even those days when you can't think straight because of the constant barrage of things to do and places to be and work to finish but you have no time???

You know "those days?" If someone came up and asked you how you were, would you say, "It's been one of those days!"

Yeah, I have those days too. (Duh.) Everyone has those days! (Again, duh.) The worst part of days like that, for me, are when I don't learn anything from them. I know that God is supposed to be using every moment to teach me something about Him, or myself; but a lot of the time it seems like those days are just there. I try to ask God what He's teaching me, but I hear no answer. Then without skipping a beat I get mad at God and turn to something, anything besides Him for comfort. I don't really even bother to wait any longer than a minute for a calming peace, a solution to the problem, or a teaching moment.

My problem with "those days" isn't really how bad the day actually is. It's that God isn't helping fix it when I want Him to.

It's taken me a really long time to figure out this sentence I'm going to share with you: God doesn't run on your timing; He is not your servant but your King. That is a very simple sentence that I'm sure most you would agree with. But during one of those days, do you really live like it's true?

Here's an example. (It's kind of a long one.) Last fall, I was set to attend a gap year program in another state. I had attended youth camps put on by this association and had always loved them; but an actual nine month study program sounded beyond epic to me. Because I hadn't originally intended to do any school during my gap year, I was torn between staying home or trying to go there.

I trusted God with the decision and sent in my application. I actually put my dreams in His hands and was confident He'd help me make the right decision. I was accepted and was ecstatic!! I began dreaming of the opportunities, obviously. But it was short-lived excitement. I couldn't afford the cost of the program and had to withdraw a month before it began. I was crushed. All the trust I'd put in Jesus, and it felt like He'd dumped me in the garbage. 

For the last year, this experience has weighed on me because I could not understand why God put me through that. I've had some great moments this year that showed me that I was meant to stay home (See: It's the Little Things, Hugs from Jesus) and I understood that, but why didn't He just steer me away from the opportunity or tell me not to apply, so I wouldn't get my dreams shattered? My level of passion in the things I loved went waaay down last fall, even unconsciously, because God had taken something away from me.

That's always the magic question, isn't it: why?? Here's the magic answer: God doesn't run on your timing; He is not your servant but your King. (Look familiar?) Technically, we don't have the right to ask God why He does things His way. Sure, He lets us ask away, but He's never obliged to answer.

Here's the most important part, though, in this equation: If God wants us to know what's going on, He will tell us!! He loves us enough to want to do that for us. He doesn't have to tell us anything really (See: the book of Job!!) but He chooses to give us answers sometimes for the sake of showing us how He loves us!!

In the example I gave, I only recently have come to an understanding of why I went through that time of confusion last summer. God wanted to give me something beyond me and out of my control. It forced me to trust Him with it, which I did. But He also wanted me to accept the outcome I didn't expect (having the door opened and then quickly shut again) and continue to trust Him, which I did not do. I tried to take back the control of my own life once I thought that God couldn't handle it. Obviously He could have and did, but I was running the wrong direction to see it!

Yeah, that's basically what happened last summer!! ;)

Through the Christmas season and these first two months of this year, God has been revealing why I went through that tough time: He was teaching me to accept His changes of direction because they're way better! I probably wouldn't be going to the college I am this fall, if I had gone to that program last year. I might have not pursued a degree in Worship Arts, I might not have seen our little brother's adoption (!!) or met the AWESOME kids I work with each week. And I definitely wouldn't have learned the lesson of changing direction when I really needed it.

It only took me a few months for this resolution, but sometimes it may take years to get it. You may never get it. (Again, see: the book of Job.) God doesn't run on your timing!! I've learned the hard way that going God's way will hurt your heart less in the long run, and I hope you never have to learn it the hard way. Do you have any thoughts on this topic? Comment away!

Remember this: God hears. He knows. His timing is perfect.

As always, thanks for reading!
M.

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

-Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)

Another point of view

Hey All!
 L. here. This is a really long one again. After reading M.'s post about the last 2 weeks of May I want to share about  them from my point of view, as well. I'll be starting on Wednesday the 21st:

My oldest brother came home for a one week visit, arriving at the airport around 10am. I also went to my last Spanish class of the school year.

Thursday May 22nd
 I went to see Disney's Million Dollar Arm with my family  in the morning And had a great afternoon with M. and E. Then my brother picked me up from M.'s house on  the way to dinner with some other friends.

Friday May 23rd
 My sister graduated with M. so I went to the same ceremony and party that night and really appreciated getting to spend time talking and dancing with the people there.

Saturday May 24th
 This day was crazy! I got to sleep in until about 10am before going to one graduation party and helping with preparations for and a party shared by M. and my sister. During the party I chatted with friends, ate snacks, and  helped take photo booth pictures and gather and guide people for boat rides. Over all it was an enjoyable but hectic party. When it was over I went with M. and a few of her siblings to another grad party for a mutual friend of ours while my brother's collage graduation open house started back at the club house. It was a nice chance to relax for a bit and enjoy some smore's.
I got back in time to help with some clean up from my brother's party. Thanks to everyone who helped by the way! It would have taken forever with out you.
Anyway that's enough about Saturday.

Sunday May 25th
This was my official rest day between Graduation and Camp though it was still pretty busy. We missed Church:( cause we were all so tired after the graduation parties but we went to two more that afternoon then had a few friends over for dinner. That may sound crazy but I actually thought it was rather relaxing.

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Camp week

This was a 5 day 10:00-7:30 Christian Music and Dance Camp that was truly different from any other. Our director put together the theme "Masquerade" for our concert and devotionals. You'll learn more about it as you read.

 Monday, May 26th

We excitedly greeted old friends, met new ones, heard from our director and did an ice breaker. Then we stretched and learned some basic ballet and Jazz steps. We learned some of our choreography and music for the concert and had a devotional in the evening where we learned about different kinds of masks and I realized what kind I wear the most. 

Tuesday, May 27th
I remember feeling stressed and empty. I wanted God to work in a big way at camp and I was afraid He wasn't going to.  I love to dance and its been a really cool form of worship for me but on Tuesday morning when we were told to try dancing during our worship time I didn't want to. For once I didn't feel an urge to dance like I normally did and for another our director had said to keep our eyes closed so that no one would be embarrassed so I was afraid of hitting or kicking someone if I moved too much. After an improve dance lesson later on though some of us danced freely around to our songs for the concert while our instructors prepared for our next session. For one moment as I spun in circles to "Oceans" by Hillsong United I thought I felt God for the first time in a while; just for a moment; then I let it go.

Wednesday, May 28th
Because most of you were probably there or have read M.'s other posts about it I'm going to focus on my perspective of the Cross time. When Eden told us to pray about and then give to God whatever we needed to I didn't know what that would be for me. As I started praying I thought I had an idea but then it became clear. It was the root of my masks that I needed to give up. My desire to be the one everyone could depend on; the one who was friendly and likable and always knew what to do. I was actually excited to give this up. I thought I was ready to let God take the lead and just be His. I knew He could use that surrender in big ways and I finally thought I knew how to let go. 
  So I went up to one of the alter, "gave it to Him" and went back to my seat. I must admit I felt awkward waiting there. Some girls like me had been ready quickly and gone up to the alters, others were talking through things with each other or our instructors, and a lot of girls were crying.  One of them was M. sitting two seats away from me. I could see how much it hurt her to think of giving up her mask as she held her beautiful prop mask in her hand and I could almost see desperation in her eyes. I wanted to do something but I was afraid she wouldn't want my help. I wanted to show I cared but thought giving her some space might be the best way to do that. Our Music director went up again and told the girls who had already been to the alters to pray with each other that this wouldn't just be a "spiritual high"  but that we would continue to leave the things we had given up in God's hands. I prayed with a good friend of mine who sat farther down the row and had also noticed M.'s tears so we prayed for each other and M. then went back to our seats again.

 Thursday, May 29th
 Was an exhausting tec day where we also learned one more song! You can read more about it in M.'s posts.

Friday, May 30th- Concert Day :D
Not what I expected. We Practiced, watched Skit Guys videos, messed up our hair and put on our ripped  jeans and black T-shirts. If you want an idea of what our hair looked like, the 8ish year old boys in the other Choir said we looked like we had just gotten out of prison or been through a fire.
After our pre-show meeting we went out to the lobby to greet people and open doors. I think everyone was a bit taken aback by our hair and jeans but It was nice not having to worry if they were pretty enough because they weren't supposed to be.
As we waited backstage I danced my nerves out and tried to comfort other nervous girls that even if we messed up it would be okay and God could use even our mistakes for His glory. We got to see that first hand.
I was the one who couldn't find my mask when it was time to go on stage but my dance partner for the first song grabbed an extra for me and we made it to our places just a little late. I tried to use the mishaps and even my feeling about them to our advantage and I knew that God had let them happen and was going to use them for his glory. But then our director stopped us in the middle of the first act. She confessed that we'd had more then a few technical problems and she wanted to check on us and give us a quick breather. I was a little annoyed but we went on and my singing became more and more truly from my heart. The last song in the first act was Power of the Cross by Natalie Grant and as we went through the song girls hung there masks on the cross and went back stage. Because I had the ending solo I was the last to leave the stage so I sang these customized lyrics out to myself as I prepared to get the ugly mask off my face.

That's he Power of the Cross; see the Fear fall

That's the Power of the Cross; see the Shame fall

That's the Power of the Cross; see the Hate  fall

That's the Power of the Cross; see the Greed fall

Then I took the mask off revealing the tears that were streaming down my face and sang to the audience with a sort of peaceful joy.

See the grace

 your Masks fall

I half walked, half bolted down the center aisle and around to back stage where I broke down and hugged a friend as i shock with tears. A few other girls gathered around us for a sort of group hug and M. prayed for us. I felt a mixture of shattering disappointment and overwhelming relief. I was done trying to do my best and trying to put my mask back on now would just look silly. Everyone backstage and in the audience knew I was a mess. During the second act I was real and free to worship God for what He had done and was doing that night. It was amazing how well the story in our performance fit so well with what God was really doing in my heart. At one point before I went on in a small group for one of the songs one of the girls said "we've got this" in an effort to encourage us.  "He got this" I said pointing up. If there was one thing this concert thought me it was that. We didn't have it but God did. I got to share some of this in a testimony time at the end of the concert so I hope God uses it in the lives of those who heard it there as well as those who read this post.
Thanks for reading!

-L.